Canon Fodder

Do you see what Krucoff is making me do? Can you smell the Drudge coming down the pike? I can smell it from here and I’m enclosed in a hermetically sealed, 5th floor office space in Sacramento, where the stench of Drudge must compete with local olfactory offences such as the Sacramento River and the exhaust from Schwarzenegger’s Hummer, and I’m not talking about the car. (You’re welcome.) I am pleased to report that Drudge’s scent is doing quite well against those others, today in particular as I’m about to whip out a link so odious that it will direct users straight to the source. I predict the be-hatted one will bottle that smell and come out with a line of fragrances before the year is out. He is a wily motherfucker and not one to pass up an opportunity. He is the American Dream. The internet’s own Horatio Alger.

So yeah, ima ‘bout to drop a Drudge link. Yes, you are correct, that phrase now replaces "dropping the kids off at the pool" as our generation’s euphemism for taking a shit. It’s been a long time, but we can all breathe easy now. I’ve done it again. Christ, what a long-winded intro, right? This is what you get when you combine internet technology, Krucoff, and no editorial budget. You’ve signed up for it, now take your medicine. It’s only my second post on this new venture from Krucoff Federated Media Enterprises™ and I’ve already sunk as low as one can go. Anyway, here it is. Shit! I forgot to warn you. That link leads to a quote from Roger Ailes, CEO of Fox News. My God, I’ve just invented a new level of Dante’s Inferno. Deeper, more disturbing. I can't believe Alighieri missed it the first time around. I’m simultaneously in awe of my creative powers while fearful for humanity. I’m plumbing depths, elbow-deep into the bovine ass of online content without a rubber glove, pulling out clumps of media and slinging it onto the ground for you to inspect with a stick. I think you will find that this blog is grass-fed and free-range. Krucoff has provided us with working conditions that are as humane as possible, given the limits of server capacity. It’s exciting, isn’t it?

What I’m getting at is this line most likely written by one of Ailes’ unpaid assistants regarding the recent release of two (2) Fox News journalists from captivity:

"The entire international community is beginning to realize that journalists should never be hostages or pawns in world events."

For one, why the fuck not? What makes them so special? Hell, they’ve got better name recognition than some random soldier or local person. Also, everyone knows, even Hamas, that journalists have no souls. God made them that way, on the 9th day, right after He made the rest of us, so that the world could be populated with creatures able to withstand the moral vacuum of big-time media. In fact, I’m going to go as far to say that if there have to be hostages, and it seems that is the case, then journalists should be the default choice. Especially television journalists. They come pre-installed with a camera crew, so the picture quality of those hostage videos would be improved considerably. No more of that crappy Dogme 95 shaky camera work. We get it. It implies urgency. However, I think you've been overplaying your hand, here. The actual situation is pretty fucking urgent, so you don't need to hit us over the head with it. You're just losing your audience. Also, by using journalists, you wouldn't be putting people with souls and human feelings in harm’s way. Might I offer up Wolf Blitzer for your consideration?