List Damagement, with Dimestore Drivel

The winner gets to do my taxes.

Can birds count? Are children simple arithmetic machines? Can Clyde balance my checkbook?

Birding wisdom holds that to watch most birds without disturbing them, it is best to hide behind a blind. If the bird sees you enter, however, you're not much better off because it is now aware of the blind. One way around this problem is for two people to enter the blind together. Some time later, one person leaves and the bird, apparently assuming the coast is clear, goes back to business as usual. Why?

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The nerds will debate Jonathan Ames' fiction appearance in the free, listings-based L Magazine (you know, the one the homeless people try to sell you when you're waiting on the subway platform) but those in the know will nod sagely through such pablum and ask, "Honey, did you see Ben Greenman's ornate prose therein as well? So much bestest."

He’s not an actual duck. A duck can’t sing, let alone make the most of things. The Duck is a man, a rather large man at that, and the little ducks are his children. They are not his actual children. They are students who are enrolled in his music school, the Gifford E. Tannhauser Academy of Vocal Performance. He is Gifford E. Tannhauser.

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The Wilson Quarterly shows that statisticians can't count. Clyde, get your hand off your balls and run some numbers, would ya?

Decades ago, many population statistics seemed to point toward global calamity. Today, the world’s population is indeed much larger—but it is also much healthier, better educated, and richer. Therein lies a lesson in the use and misuse of numbers.