Reviews of Movies I Do Not Intend To See: The Departed

Martin Scorcese has a new movie out about crime. Jack Nicholson plays a grizzled person, Leonardo DiCaprio plays a fresh-faced idealist, Matt Damon plays a short person, Mark Wahlberg plays a more buffed short person. I'm pretty sure their characters are all licensed to carry a firearm. They may even use them, perhaps on each other. There will be a montage. There will be gratuitous use of 60s anthems. There will be a voicover. There will be cocaine. There will be moral ambiguities illustrating that cops and crooks are just two sides of the same coin. That coin will be a plug nickel. You will deposit said coin into one of those machines where you manipulate a crane in an attempt to snatch a plushy toy for your child. You will fail. You will then use this teachable moment to explain the unfairness of the world to your three-year old. He will nod sagely at your wisdom, then sock you in the nuts. Back to the movie. There will be character introductions. There will be varying degrees of success imitating a Bostonian accent. There will be talk of an Oscar, finally, for Scorcese.

Lunchtime...