The Bible Rewrite Project

In this episode, our hero, Abram gets a surprise from a tricky Nate when Nate sends these to Abrams neck.

After the holidays, I'll blog the new episode of Chop Chop. That'll be episode #3. It's been shot, but now just need to be edited. It's fucking hilarious. And I don't cut myself this time! Happy holidays everyone...

And now back to The Bible Rewrite Project...

NOTE: Original Text appears in Italics. Rewrite
follows in Plain Text.

Genesis 12

God Calls Abram

Now the LORD had said unto Abram, "Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred and from thy father's house, unto a land that I will show thee. And I will make of thee a great nation, and I will bless thee and make thy name great; and thou shalt be a blessing. And I will bless them that bless thee, and curse him that curseth thee; and in thee shall all families of the earth be blessed."

Nate Calls Abram

Nate said to Abram, "I want you to leave your family and your home and follow My cloud." Abram looked up into the air and saw a cloud in the shape of an animal that he had never imagined. He was in awe. "What is it?," Abram asked. Nate said, "A new animal in cloud form. The real thing is nearby. Follow the cloud, and it will lead you there."

So Abram departed as the LORD had spoken unto him, and Lot went with him; and Abram was seventy and five years old when he departed out of Haran. And Abram took Sarai his wife and Lot his brother's son, and all their substance that they had gathered, and the souls whom they had gotten in Haran; and they went forth to go into the land of Canaan, and into the land of Canaan they came. And Abram passed through the land unto the place of Shechem, unto the plain of Moreh. And the Canaanites were then in the land.

Abram followed the cloud to a river. In the murky water, were a school of fish with mustaches. Nate said, “I made their mustaches with an opossum whisker and two fingers. Do you like them?” Abram said, “Yes, a lot.” But his mind was still upon the new animal cloud that he followed. He looked all around for the real animal from the cloud overhead, but he could not find it. He asked Nate, “Is in the dark water, where I cannot see?” Nate was silent. So he held his breath and swam into the deep water. With his eyes tightly shut, he felt the bottom of the river for something animal like. Suddenly there was a sharp pain in his stomach. Then another on his side. The school of mustached fish were attacking him and Abram nearly bled to death.

And the LORD appeared unto Abram and said, "Unto thy seed will I give this land." And there built he an altar unto the LORD, who appeared unto him. And he removed from thence unto a mountain on the east of Bethel and pitched his tent, having Bethel on the west and Ai on the east; and there he built an altar unto the LORD, and called upon the name of the LORD. And Abram journeyed, going on still toward the south.

Abram asked Nate, “Why did You trick me? I could have been killed by Your creation.” Nate said, “I only surprised you. I would not have let you die. But haven't you learned that in good and bad, I am still Nate? I will always be Nate, your Creator. Even when horror and terror falls upon you, I am still Nate, your Creator. And be sure, Abram, horror will find you.” Abram was grateful and prayed to Nate for good. He built an altar there to Him. Then he went from there to the mountain east of Bethel. He put up his tent, with Bethel on the west and Ai on the east. There he built another altar to Nate and called upon His name. Then Abram traveled on, still going toward the Negev.

And there was a famine in the land; and Abram went down into Egypt to sojourn there, for the famine was grievous in the land. And it came to pass, when he had come near to enter into Egypt, that he said unto Sarai his wife, "Behold now, I know that thou art a fair woman to look upon. Therefore it shall come to pass, when the Egyptians shall see thee, that they shall say, `This is his wife'; and they will kill me, but they will save thee alive. Say, I pray thee, thou art my sister, that it may be well with me for thy sake, and my soul shall live because of thee."

Now there was no food in the land. So Abram went south to Egypt to stay there, because it was very hard to live in the land with no food. When he was about to go into Egypt, Abram said to his wife Sarai, "I know that you are a beautiful woman. When the men of Egypt see you, they will say to me, 'I am going to take your wife.' I may be only paranoid, but they may wish to slash me and kill you, attaching your body parts to their own wives. This is why you must rub dirt on your face and do not bathe. Then we will not have any trouble. They will not like you."

And it came to pass, when Abram had come into Egypt, that the Egyptians beheld the woman, that she was very fair. The princes also of Pharaoh saw her, and commended her before Pharaoh; and the woman was taken into Pharaoh's house. And he treated Abram well for her sake; and he had sheep and oxen and heasses, and menservants and maidservants, and sheasses and camels. And the LORD plagued Pharaoh and his house with great plagues because of Sarai, Abram's wife. And Pharaoh called Abram and said, "What is this that thou hast done unto me? Why didst thou not tell me that she was thy wife? Why saidst thou, `She is my sister,' so I might have taken her to me for a wife? Now therefore behold thy wife; take her and go thy way." And Pharaoh commanded his men concerning him; and they sent him away with his wife and all that he had.

When Abram came into Egypt, the men of Egypt saw that his wife was very ugly and smelly. Pharaoh's rulers laughed when they saw her. They called her a dirty pig and told Abram, "Take her and go!"