In and out
On a cloudy morning about 16 years ago, I woke up after a night of drinking and possibly putting my hands on female breasts, and decided to spend the day going in and out the front doors of the local library. I arrived just after it opened and headed inside for the first of probably 150 times. As soon as I got past the turnstiles and nodded to the older woman manning the information kiosk, I spun around 180 degrees and walked briskly back outside. I made it as far as the parking lot before flipping another pedestrian bitch and then back inside.
I repeated this, like I just fucking said, about 149 more times that day before the police were called. I was not doing any drugs. I did not threaten any of the library patrons. But I was, I have to admit, not using the public library in the way it had been intended. When questioned by the police officer, I told him I “worked for the door company” and was doing some R & D for the hinge division. To prove this, I reached (slowly) into my jacket pocket and produced a can of WD40, which I immediately began applying to the hinges. “To be honest,” I told the cop, “I’m a bit disappointed in their performance.”
He arrested me for smart-assery, more commonly known as being a public nuisance.
I put up no struggle, even when he took my can of WD40 (maybe one time a prisoner greased the bars and slipped through them?), and calmly put my hands behind my back to be handcuffed. I was stuffed gently in to the back seat of the squad car and then driven quite literally across the street to the station. Seriously, we could have walked there quicker, it was that close to the library. A mugshot was taken, some laughs were exchanged, my fingerprints were recorded, and I was let go.
So that’s the story of why I most likely will never be a viable candidate for the American presidency. Too bad, because I have a 7-point plan guaranteed to solve the crisis in the Middle East.
I repeated this, like I just fucking said, about 149 more times that day before the police were called. I was not doing any drugs. I did not threaten any of the library patrons. But I was, I have to admit, not using the public library in the way it had been intended. When questioned by the police officer, I told him I “worked for the door company” and was doing some R & D for the hinge division. To prove this, I reached (slowly) into my jacket pocket and produced a can of WD40, which I immediately began applying to the hinges. “To be honest,” I told the cop, “I’m a bit disappointed in their performance.”
He arrested me for smart-assery, more commonly known as being a public nuisance.
I put up no struggle, even when he took my can of WD40 (maybe one time a prisoner greased the bars and slipped through them?), and calmly put my hands behind my back to be handcuffed. I was stuffed gently in to the back seat of the squad car and then driven quite literally across the street to the station. Seriously, we could have walked there quicker, it was that close to the library. A mugshot was taken, some laughs were exchanged, my fingerprints were recorded, and I was let go.
So that’s the story of why I most likely will never be a viable candidate for the American presidency. Too bad, because I have a 7-point plan guaranteed to solve the crisis in the Middle East.
