The Ecstasy of St. Krucoff

We've all been anxiously awaiting Krucoff's return. He's back, and he doesn't even have a mail-order bride in tow. (I lost $20 on that bet.) I'll be the first to commend him on his good works. But before he gets too high and mighty, I thought I'd offer him a little bit of perspective.

I studied many things in college, none of them practical. Ultimately I got my degree in art history from a less-than-stellar college (which, as 99 observed before he went out into the desert, is a bit like getting your law degree in prison). My thesis topic? The portrayal of Christ in medieval and Renaissance imagery. Fascinating subject, and let me tell you why: the devout were shithouse-rat crazy. Crazier even than today. And they were willing to go the extra mile--unlike charity workers these days, Krucoff. (You wouldn't know about that, though, because your people are too busy making matzoh out of Christian baby blood and bringing about the End Times.)

I'm a big fan not only of saints, but of mystics and ascetics (aka the second-string players) as well. Forthwith, my favorites*:

St. Maria Maddelena de' Pazzi had "raptures" and would shout out "wonderful maxims of Divine Love, and those counsels of perfection for souls, especially in the religious state."** She helped out the lepers, which was the cool thing at the time. Catherine of Siena also helped out the lepers, favoring the ones no one else would come near.

In addition to screaming and thrashing about, they also licked the lepers' open sores and putrid flesh,"wherever the pestiferous disease afflicted [them] the most." Yes! And also: They ate shit. And they walked around beating the hell out of themselves and everyone else. Suck it, GG Allin. (See also: Catherine of Bologna, St. Juliana)

I like St. Lucy and St. Agatha, because they were martyred in part by having their eyes gouged out and breasts cut off, respectively. (Holy Titclamps!)

Also notable: Christina the Astonishing because she supposedly subsisted solely on the Eucharist, and she could fly, and she went into the desert and survived on her own breast milk. (The Low Country saints and ascetics are the best and surely this is historical proof for why Scandinavian heavy metal is so much better than ours.)

And every one of these Gorgeous Ladies of Piety healed the terminally ill and turned vitamin pills into amphetamines.

In conclusion, this is what we call "comin' at ya big dick style" in contemporary parlance. So tell me, Krucoff, what have you done for me lately?

*Oh, and clicking on the following links isn't really necessary and will probably prove to bore you more.
**This reminds me of my neighbors. I wonder if Maria also kept her blinds open.