EP-OD

Exed-in-chief of Mediabistro Jox Feld, now at Editor & Publisher, gets his chance to slamdance with the truth fairies on Gawker this Monday. The Jessica/Jesse pairing is nothing short of genius but I really hope they get him drunk first and have all his posts delivered via podcasts.

Something I Learned Today

Lockhart Steele at Schiller's Liquor Bar, the monstrous result of co-marketing efforts by Apple, Movable Type, and Thomas Pink.

Evil lurks in every corner, the right-angles (yet so very wrong) of the Lower East Side are no exception. I head over to Schiller's for lunch on Friday with La Depressionada (us non-working, rent-stabilized benefactor types have to stick together) and we see the special of the day on display: asshole-blogging. (Apparently if you spoon out the eyes, add liberal amounts of tartar sauce, and kick it back with a Corona Light it's not entirely terrible.) I got the cheese-steak sandwich.


"Television man is crazy saying we’re juvenile deliquent wrecks..."

More interesting than lunch is the launch of MNspeak.com by Rex Sorgatz and Chuck Olsen. Every city deserves a Gawker/Gothamist mash-up and now Young Minneapolites can mix with their own minus the "mean-ness" of the former and the staleness of the latter. (Jake, I jest. Love that interview feature.) Zen Arcade enthusiasts rejoice!

Five Letter Word For Sex

"Just outside of Bangkok, the safe-sex movement has been fused with the luxury resort-movement in the form of the Cabbages and Condoms Resort and Restaurant." [Gridskipper]

"What an asshole." [Daily Kos]

"She pointed to her twitching, puckered anus. 'See this?' I nodded eagerly. 'I want you to wreck it.'" [I Fucked Ann Coulter in the Ass, Hard]

"I think Kevin (Federline) bought a box of Trix; I have to respect that decision." [Stereogum: comments]

"SLINT is selling off equipment used on the reunion tour. This shit is bad-ass." [David Pajo's Blog]

"In a fix could Jesus get down on all fours in a parking lot and turn himself into a negligible compact car, thus avoiding capture?" [David Berman on fittedsweats]

"How nice to live such a charmed life and to be willing to wall up blind faith in the face of facts and push aside obscure references like statistics after witnessing one of the more ugly games ever played in the Oakland Coliseum...by a baseball team." [Elephants in Oakland]

"Well, she does have massive boobs ... she might as well enjoy them too." [Pink Is The New Blog]

"I know, I know, 'great music is timeless,' but the jury's still out on whether that assessment applies to pop songs, and certainly history plays with the sound of pop music like a kid goin' ape on a Mr. Potato Head." [Last Plane To Jakarta]

"Sigh. There are my old friends now. Ride on, faithful Camel. Ride on, naked man in Camel. Ride on lady-giving-Oral in Camel. Ride on, my old favorites. Nay, these aren't tears, I just have smokey memories in my eye." [My Cube Has Three Sides]

I Lost My Sense Of Smell To A Frog

"Political talk radio is not my thing. Listening to some people mouth off about how wrong someone else is just doesn't do it for me." [Buzzmachine: comments]

"People were respectful of the artist and the intimacy of his work, and the artist responded by opening up in a way that seemed entirely unrehearsed and from the heart; in turn, both the audience and the artist paid homage to the stunning facility (acoustically and architecturally) that housed the show." [Whatevs.org]

"I was seated between Phoebe Gubelmann and Ivanka Trump. Ms. Trump dates Ms. Gubelmann’s brother Bingo. Bingo was not there on Thursday night because he’s teaching young children down in the Bahamas." [NY Social Diary]

"The only thing funnier than award-hungry celebrities playing mentally handicapped people are award-hungry celebrities with bad PR and a Q factor of negative infinity plus one trying to become America's sweetheart again by playing mentally handicapped people." [Lindsayism]

"The duct tape isn't fooling me. I assure you it was nothing more than one of those calculated moves, typical to self-loathing grad students, in which they carefully 'slum up' their personal possessions. Anybody who uses duct tape legitmately would have been able to fix the fucking hinge. It's just a fucking glove compartment." [Veiled Conceit]

"To all the cowardly anonymous pieces of dogshit who only came here to spew venom, you can all eat a bowl o' dicks." [IKeepADiary: 04.27.2005]

"You know you are a Flickr geek when u have to go to the hospital tomorrow and hope you'll be able to post the x-rays of your innards" [More Than Donuts]

"We went for pillows. We came back with furniture. You know how it goes. Forget that neither of us has much restraint when it comes to shopping, but who leaves IKEA without using one of those huge carts? Not us, boy howdy." [This Fish]

"my goodness, i just plum disliked this album [Bad Religion's bizarre 70's prog-rockish "Into The Unknown" (1983)] when it came out. i remember it being a record to avoid. one that kids would try to fool others into buying." [Strange Reaction: Comments]

"The girl on the left had a conversation with her father before the game where she was expressly warned to "not over-do it with Kickin' Chicken." Kickin' Chicken? you ask? That's Kentucky-speak for Wild Turkey. I think I love her too." [Dynatrite]

This Just In: Big Story

Journalism students are really taking an ass-pounding these days, huh? That and now this. My favorite line: "that a journalism grad even stands accused of it is a big story." I reached Gawker's managing editor Lockhart Steele for comment and he said, "I stand behind Gawker's reporting of this story 100%." Ballsy...to the point of foolhardy. (Man, I've been waiting awhile to bust that one out.)

The Quotable Blogger

"One day I'm going to eat a shit sandwhich from the Shit Sandwhich Cafe and offer them a nice big bite." [Eurotrash]

"Now we realize the truth; anyone can be a hero. Our heroes don’t need to be brave or selfless or noble, our heroes just need to be in the wrong place at the wrong time." [The Morning News]

"He made a momsicle, basically." [MemeFirst]

"Remember the Pilgrims and those weird oversized blouse collars they wore? They looked like they were putting on bibs before hitting Red Lobster." [Gawker]

"Who knew that Mr. Incredible and Elastigirl were into hot incest action? Or that Elastigirl likes to engage in sticky, athletic sex with Syndrome, her nemesis?" [Panopticist]

"My pediatrician friend had a theory of his own. The older the couple, the increased likelihood of conceiving dwarf babies." [Maccers]

"Dude says this one's really about young conservatives, but the lyrics sure are careful not to crap on potential purchasers' fresh-pressed khakis." [Pitchfork]

"i returned home to reluctantly fork over a stupid amount of money to a wage-rapist commonly referred to as 'locksmith'." [The Real Janelle]

"Yeah, this 'my music is being perverted by evil consumerism' trope is, well, getting trope-ish, but goddamn: what sort of idiot advertises his beer using a song about heroin addiction?" [Twinkle Twinkle]

"I want to wear intricate hats, own a fief and rule serfs with an iron, yet delicately gloved fist." [Verbose Coma]

"Try being within a furlong of my bovsness for more than five seconds without simultaneously shitting your pants and fingerbanging your hot and throbbing lab-maj, you filthy fucking sloot!" [So Sayeth The Peabs]

"This is gonna be huge... like HUGE HUGE HUGE!!!" [Calacanis]

"Hey, Guy In The Bar who keeps going up to the group of four girls dancing to George Michael, give it up." [My Blog Is Poop]

"If all journalists were this hot, I might actually go to some of those MediaBistro gatherings." [Radosh]

"Call me crazy but I don't think opening up by saying that you have worked on "celebrity scum reports" is really the best way to position oneself." [MB Toolbox]

"I'm not one to toot my own horn (or tell the truth for that matter), but I'd be doing both you and myself a disservice if I didn't share how elated I am right now - I realize this is small-time in the grand scheme o' things, but I've finally cracked the 1,000,000-most popular sites on Alexa." [This Is What We Do Now]

"I don't enjoy listening to Bright Eyes. I just don't. I harbor the same dislike for Gabriel Garcia Marquez's work - everyone raves, but I just don't like it." [Hermitude In NYC]

"When Rasheed gets pissed, he gets the crazy eyes. His jersey comes untucked. He is pure intensity. There is no theater quite like a Rasheed Wallace technical foul." [spinachdip]

"Looking back, I am reminded of something a friend once said concerning taking a large dump. He said, 'This must be what it’s like for a woman after having a baby. You know, that extreme sense of relief.'" [The Daily Dump]

"While usually known for its annual swap with bread, Matza (sic) – the flat, unleavened bread of Passover, is inspiring downtown artists." [Gothamist]

This Just In: Journalism Student Lies

NYTimes job offer at 11.

I trolled the ocean floor of blog punditry and over-blown commenting on Buzzmachine today. It was probably a mistake. All this over a journalism student who sent in bogus tips to blogs to see if she could dupe them. Apparently some feel she deserves the Jayson Blair Spear of Lies to be driven through her Corrupted Heart lest she contaminate the entire Media Pool upon graduation. Of course there's a bigger issue here that I tried to explore but it didn't seem important to anyone, outside of Michael Zimmer and a few others. Mr. Jarvis says I have the conch now but for some reason I only feel like blowing it outta my ass...

Excuse Me While I Rock Some EVDO

Congrats to Lock for getting profiled in BusinessWeek. Curbed is a great blog if you're into New York real estate news which many people are and he's an expert on the topic. But (you knew there was gonna be a but, one the size of the Brooklyn Navy Yard) the reporter, Jessi Hempel, misses major points (if not THE biggest) about the role blogs like Curbed and others play in the media landscape.

After making the point that his tidbits often "rankle realtors" who he never attempts to contact for comment, Jessi writes: "But disregard for traditional media mores is in keeping with bloggers' craft. Steele never claimed to adhere to the standards of old-world journalism. Rather, he bills himself as a scavenger. He culls through 150 other blogs and dozens of readers' tips daily to update his blog, posting photos, rants, and queries. The onus is on readers to shape the conversation by sending him tips, notes, and responses."

I think she's got her head up her onus. Something big and obvious is missing from that virtual scavenger hunt list and she never addresses it (and you can't assume it's a given for the BusinessWeek audience) which is why I'm making a big deal out of it. It's only the ENTIRE point of topic-specific blogs and what really shapes their conversation. They are news aggregators wholly dependent on traditional media whose mores they so proudly disregard. There is no reporting or fact-checking to be done and the standards of "old-world journalism" don't apply because this isn't journalism. Ninety percent of Curbed's posts (and this goes for all of Gawker Media, Weblogs Inc, and other similar blog models) are based on stories culled from mainstream media sources. (Yeah, I fact-checked that.) To portray Lock or most of these other bloggers as "insiders" is ridiculous. In fact, the big draw is that they are outsiders who can smartly (or at least humorously) comment on the facts reported by the MSM.

The old saying, "facts cost money, opinions are free" still applies but blogs have transformed that simple dichotomy into something slightly more complex where there's also a premium on aggregating someone else's facts and giving an opinion on them. Lock is a real estate "know-it-all" because he's a read-it-all. Who has the time (or desire) to read all the real estate going-ons in the news and all the listings available on realtor websites? Lock created an invaluable service by doing just that and being an intelligent filter, picking only the important stories and listings to comment on. THAT is what creates the narrative and "shapes the conversation."

I know I know, this is Blogging 101. It's all been said years ago which is why I'm surprised the writer misses the whole point. Lock's a genius, but she doesn't state the actual reasons why.

There are words to describe this

...but I don't think I want to use them.

Calacanis + Segway + Paris = BMx

Property of "Ain't Got No Sense"

Teenage Head and Jawbreaker mp3s [krucoff.com]

(Sac, I'm now inter-linking between my two sites. This is ridiculous. Please advise.)

Selling Manhattan By The Pound

Elizabeth Spiers took part in a reading the other night and chose a passage from a non-fiction piece she contributed to a book anthology, Bookmark Now. (Out this summer?) It's called "Andrew Krucoff And The Amazing Paper Weblog." After you spit out your coffee, double-over in mocking laughter, or shake your head in disgust, I can assure you this book is headed straight for the bargain bins and will most likely be available on tables along Avenue A amongst stacks of Playboy and Science Annuals from the 70's. Originally destined for New York magazine (I'm guessing the naming of the Faustian character "Andrew Krucoff" is what killed it, she should have used "Milo Aukerman"), it's the story of how Chris Gage and I turned my blog The Other Page into a print zine. Hold onto your hats everyone -- there are flying pigs, nasty knuckleballs, inter-denominational couples fucking like dust bunnies, and an awesome fight scene in it. I didn't go to the reading or hear how it went but I'll be really disappointed if Elizabeth didn't at least have a Chinese boy lighting firecrackers around her during the performance. Anyway, the next issue of The Other Page is coming out soon. Top-shelf contributors make this baby float on water and do ollies over park benches. As a preview I offer the worst of the bunch, the beginning of a piece I did on Genesis and prog rock:




War Hero's Intromominem: French horns, mellotron, and the sound of horses falling through a hole in the sky.

"But man, when was the last time I thought about those earthy minstrels Gryphon or the sweet ax chops of Steve Morris' from the Dixie Dregs. It was a sad day in my basement, huddled over my Peavy 60-watt, cradling my SG, when I found out Rod Morgenstein, the drummer, had joined Winger." -Chris Gage after perusing ProgArchives

Part I. Boy Hoards Bottle Stored With Time. (Drums, keyboards, alternating yellow and orange lights duel until time explodes like an egg in a microwave.)
I've been experiencing a flurry of Genesis (the band) activity lately, no substantial accumulation but it has left a dusting of confusion if not complete indifference. Admittedly, I'm not a huge fan but there's sentimental value since Genesis is the answer to the question we carry around our whole lives: What was your first concert? (How fitting.) It was 1982 at the Merriweather Post Pavillion in Columbia, MD. Due to being 11 years old at the time, I only have three distinct memories from the night:

(snare)
a. They played the song Abacab. I probably remember it cause that was the title song of the album and I wanted to recognize at least one. But now that I give it deeper thought there are traces of Turn It On Again, No Reply At All, and Lonely Man On The Corner. Shit, what do I know? I was so high! No no, my oldest brother Peter would wait another two years before passing that baton of youth to me. I guess he figured I had to be a genuine teenager.

(crash)
b. I did get a preview though. I can clearly picture two guys on the blanket next to us smoking and I remarked to my middle brother Jason, "Look how close that guy is lighting a cigarette to his face, he's gonna burn himself."

(gong)
c. Phil Collins told a story (or a joke?) about being tied to the steering wheel of a car and fucking. I think I'm actually gonna have to roam prog message boards to get that night's bootleg. Besides the obvious golden opportunity of owning the soundtrack to my first concert, I really have to get that story straight.

Part I-i. Web-footed Monkeys Stop For Lunch.
Note: I tried to fact-check with Jason but his memory isn't much better as he's only 2 years older than me. He offers: "I more vividly remember sitting in our room with Kevin Mumma and saying that we could do a Genesis video to "Turn It On Again"....something about the window sill, the bed...."


Thrilling, huh? The rest of it includes a bold (and only slightly disingenuous) defense of prog rock. I also go into some stuff about punk and other shit. Be on the look out, we're gonna throw a party for the release with Spock's Beard.

Dickhead, You Replied-To-All

To: TMFTML, Lockhart Steele, Elizabeth Spiers
Cc: Layne, Sicha
Bcc: Whoever's reading this
Re: SHIT MEMO

Amen, Brother. Those Inside-Assholes jokes are too much, even for me. Nip that shit like the bud of the month. And really, could Lock suck anymore on Gawker this week? The dude is just not funny or interesting to read. That Rachel chick on Fishbowl is kicking his ass big-time. It's truly embarrassing. Anyway, sorry about missing that brunch thing on Sunday. I don't leave my apartment these days except for trips to Atlantic City and Duane Reade. Later, AK

Rumors Of My Demise Have Been Dead-On

I apologize to the tens of people who stumbled upon this site and got the wrong idea, even if I politely nudged some of you here. I had a hosting plan for this domain set up over a year ago and I would have let it expired had I actually paid attention to the automatic renewal notice. Nick and Lock have been trying to talk me into doing another one of those "blog about blogs" (think Blog Herald with bitchy blog gossip and trash-talkin') and while I seriously entertained the idea for about 15 minutes I eventually came to my senses. (It's amazing what a Law & Order re-run can do for the psyche, Angie Harmon really makes me feel safe and calm.) I realized I'd rather blog about death than blogs and ran with the joke, forgetting to make it funny along the way.

If I had the talent of someone like Sac, I would write up obituaries, most likely from the point of view of Iron Maiden's Eddie. Instead, I offered an American Psycho homage that represents a conceptual trifecta of the archetype Young Manhattanite, death, and music. I doubt I'll do much with this site, though I could change my mind tomorrow. Check infrequently.

That's 'Bone'

Do you like Phil Collins? I've been a big Genesis fan ever since the release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that, I really didn't understand any of their work. Too artsy, too intellectual. It was on Duke where, uh, Phil Collins' presence became more apparent. I think Invisible Touch was the group's undisputed masterpiece. It's an epic meditation on intangibility. At the same time, it deepens and enriches the meaning of the preceding three albums. Christy, take off your robe. Listen to the brilliant ensemble playing of Banks, Collins and Rutherford. You can practically hear every nuance of every instrument. Sabrina, remove your dress. In terms of lyrical craftsmanship, the sheer songwriting, this album hits a new peak of professionalism. Sabrina, why don't you, uh, dance a little. Take the lyrics to Land of Confusion. In this song, Phil Collins addresses the problems of abusive political authority. In Too Deep is the most moving pop song of the 1980s, about monogamy and commitment. The song is extremely uplifting. Their lyrics are as positive and affirmative as, uh, anything I've heard in rock. Christy, get down on your knees so Sabrina can see your ass. Phil Collins' solo career seems to be more commercial and therefore more satisfying, in a narrower way. Especially songs like In the Air Tonight and, uh, Against All Odds. Sabrina, don't just stare at it, eat it. But I also think Phil Collins works best within the confines of the group, than as a solo artist, and I stress the word artist. This is Sussudio, a great, great song, a personal favorite.
American Psycho [IMDB]

The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway

It is early morning in Manhattan and, as the city awakens, Rael, a young bum, comes out of the subway where he painted the letters R-A-E-L. Amid the low-life activities of the city, a lamb lies down in the middle of Broadway street.

François Couture (pictured) deserves major props for reasons other than his name and facial hair, though there's no denying the two work quite well together for a French-Canadian musicologist. He's your man if you want to bone up on some free improv but what impresses me most in his AllMusic arsenal is the scrupulous song-by-song examination (annoyingly you have to click on each one) of Genesis's The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway, a high-concept story about the darkly ethereal journey of Rael played out in the ever daunting double-album rock opera format. I get the feeling François spent a year in college (maybe all four) listening to it everyday and wrote a thesis paper which he was able to re-purpose years later for AllMusic. Dude gets an A+. If you want even more obsessive analysis of TLLDOB, look at this monumental body of work.

Okay, so what was rock's first double-album? Dylan's Blonde On Blonde beat Zappa's Freak Out! by about two months in 1966. Not too surprising, François also gives the Zappa debut a similar exhaustive treatment and if you ever wondered where Pavement got the Wowee Zowee album name (and spirit) from, the answer is in one of the aforementioned links.

Ten Laps To Go

Died from a combination of acute alcholism and extreme malnutrition. Then she became ALPO for her weiner dog.
Nick Lowe - "Marie Provost" (sic)

Atlas Hugs: Bye-Bye Bellow

"That’s all I’ve got."
The Last Time I Saw Saul [NY Mag]

Advertisement: NYTimes.com/obituaries

Today's featured obituary from the New York Times:

Kay Gardella, 82, Daily News TV Critic
Related: Letters - Kay's Photo [fawny.org/spy]

Stay tuned...

I've had this domain name forever. It's about time I did something with it. Suggestions? Leave a comment. (Blogroll lifted from TMFTML, don't blame me for any mistakes or exclusions. UPDATE: I did in fact add to his list. Everyone's invited to the party, wear earplugs.)