The Bible Rewrite Project

When you and me start sewing animal parts onto ourselves (see above picture), God says (on the record) that He will return.

And now back to The Bible Rewrite Project...

NOTE: Original Text appears in Italics. Rewrite follows in Plain Text.

Genesis 6

Sinful Man

And it came to pass, when men began to multiply on the face of the earth and daughters were born unto them, that the sons of God saw the daughters of men, that they were fair; and they took for themselves wives of all whom they chose. And the LORD said, "My Spirit shall not always strive with man, for he also is flesh; yet his days shall be a hundred and twenty years." There were giants on the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men and they bore children to them, the same became mighty men who were of old, men of renown.

Sinful Man

When men began to multiply on the earth, and daughters were born to them, the sons of Nate saw that the daughters of men were beautiful. And they took wives for themselves, whomever they chose. Then Nate said, "My Spirit will not stay in man forever because he is only flesh. But yet he will live a long life." Very large men were on the earth in those days, and later also, when the sons of Nate lived with the daughters of men, who gave birth to their children. These were the powerful men of long ago, men of much strength.

And GOD saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagining of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. And the LORD repented that He had made man on the earth, and it grieved Him in His heart. And the LORD said, "I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth, both man and beast, and the creeping thing and the fowls of the air, for I repent that I have made them." But Noah found grace in the eyes of the LORD.

Nate could see that man was very sinful on the earth. Every plan and thought in man’s heart was sinful. Man was sewing animal parts to his own body in unspeakable places. Nate was sorry that He had made man in the beginning. There was sorrow in His heart. Nate said, "I will destroy everything from the land; man and animals, limbed fruit, all things that move upon the earth and birds of the sky. For I am sorry that I have made them. Man has perverted My dream." But Noah found grace in the eyes of Nate.

These are the generations of Noah. Noah was a just man and perfect in his generations, and Noah walked with God. And Noah begot three sons: Shem, Ham, and Japheth. The earth also was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence. And God looked upon the earth, and behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth.

This is the story of Noah and his family. Noah was right with Nate. He was without blame in his time. He did not attach animal parts to his body like the other sinners. Instead, he created beautiful gifts from animal parts for Nate. He walked with Nate. And Noah became the father of three sons: Shem, Ham, and Japheth. Now the earth was sinful in the eyes of Nate. The earth was filled with people hurting each other. People were killing their kin for their body parts. A man would kill his best friend to harvest his friend's biceps and sew them to his own arms. Then he would cut the head off the family dog and keep it as a prize. Nate looked at the earth and saw how sinful it was. These were sick times. For all who lived on the earth had become sinful in their ways.

And God said unto Noah, "The end of all flesh has come before Me, for the earth is filled with violence through them; and behold, I will destroy them with the earth. Make thee an ark of gopherwood; rooms shalt thou make in the ark, and shalt cover it within and without with pitch. And this is the fashion which thou shalt make it of: the length of the ark shall be three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits, and the height of it thirty cubits. A window shalt thou make for the ark, and to a cubit shalt thou finish it above; and the door of the ark shalt thou set in the side thereof; with lower, second, and third stories shalt thou make it. And behold, I, even I, do bring a flood of waters upon the earth to destroy all flesh wherein is the breath of life from under heaven; and every thing that is on the earth shall die. But with thee will I establish My covenant; and thou shalt come into the ark, thou and thy sons, and thy wife and thy sons' wives with thee. And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the ark to keep them alive with thee; they shall be male and female. Of fowls after their kind, and of cattle after their kind, of every creeping thing of the earth after his kind, two of every sort shall come unto thee to keep them alive. And take thou unto thee of all food that is eaten, and thou shalt gather it to thee; and it shall be food for thee and for them." Thus did Noah; according to all that God commanded him, so did he.

Then Nate said to Noah, "I have decided to make an end to all the people on the earth. They are the cause of very much trouble. I will destroy them as I destroy the earth. Make a large boat of gopher wood for yourself. Build rooms in the boat. And cover it inside and out with tar. This is how you are to make it: The boat is to be as long as 150 long steps, as wide as 25 long steps, and 8 times taller than a man. Make a window for the boat, that goes down an arm's length from the roof. Put a door in the side of the boat. And make it with first, second, and third floors. I will bring a flood of water upon the earth, to destroy all flesh under heaven that has the breath of life. Everything on earth will be destroyed. But I will make My agreement with you. You will go into the large boat, you and your sons and your wife, and your sons' wives with you. You are to bring into the large boat two of every plant and tree which grow the limbed fruit. These will remain the parts for man's creation of new animals. You are to bring two of every kind of living thing of all flesh, to keep them alive with you. They will be male and female. These will remain the canvases for man's creation. Two of all the kinds of birds, and animals, and every thing that moves on the ground are to be with you to keep them alive. Nate said to Noah, "Even though man has broken my dream and become lost in sinful creation, I will return to him the limbed fruit and animals. I will see how he does next time. Hope is never lost for man to create in a holy light." Noah did just what Nate told him to do.

92YQ: Michelle Goldberg

Michelle Goldberg, Salon writer and author of Kingdom Coming: The Rise of Christian Nationalism

Describe that low, low moment when you thought you just might have to leave NYC for good.
I was an 18-year-old intern at Spin Magazine and I was taking a big bag full of unwanted records to sell to Bleecker Bob's—at the time, a crucial source of income for me. It was winter, and it was a dark, freezing evening. I was standing on a downtown corner, waiting for the light to change. Out of nowhere, a laughing homeless man with a long grey beard came up and punched me in the face. I fell to the ground, the light turned green, and most of the people around me crossed the street. My attacker walked away, cackling. Two kind women picked me up and gave me the number of their self-defense instructor.

Read more.

Running the Miracle Mile with Ankle Weights, Pink Sidewinders and a Bright Orange Pair of Pants

Marathon runners, remember this name: Gabriel Sherman. Mr. Sherman runs marathons (6!) but doesn't want you to run in any, believing that you slow johnnys-come-lately to the scene have ruined the marathon...Should we implore Mr. Sherman to stop writing because he's ruining journalism with his shallow, insubstantial articles? Hell no! Keep writing, Mr. Sherman...we'll keep reading in the hopes that you'll one day improve and recognize the importance of, every once in awhile, doing something for which you're not ideally suited because you *want* to.
The democratization of the marathon, Jason Kottke

I think that cool hunting, trend forecasting, and everything else in the culture industry may just be morally bankrupt...And that has given a lot of people running trendspotting sites and online magazines a pretty big ego...Don't believe the Hypebeast! Don’t listen to Josh Rubin (dude doesn’t get irony) and more than anything else don't believe that these dudes know any more than you do. Technology enables schmucks and hot things alike and you are just as capable of finding out what is "next" as the dude next to you.
The Lies The Culture Complex Tells You, Julie Fredrickson

Tucker Max, the rare successful blogger turned author of "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" (tucker max.com), is a bit more, um, direct. "These bloggers aren't good writers and they really don't get a lot of traffic if you really look at the numbers," he said. "They had a blog, people liked reading the blog, then they wrote stuff people don't want to read. Who cares what Jessica Cutler's novel is about? People liked reading she had sex with senators who paid her (money)."
Publishers say few hits on blog books, Boston Herald via Gawker

I don't really have an opinion on these topics one way or another, but I certainly dig the crankification of blogger volume. For that reason, Jason, Julie and Tucker get YM's "Time Bomb Tom" Award of the Week.

92YQ: Arianna Huffington

Find out who Arianna would've taken a bullet for.

Still Boomin'

Amanda Congdon with The Riverkeeper

Ideally, I would have found an am-po audio clip with the gardener-variety "First trim the lawn and groom the bushes..." dialogue.

The Bible Rewrite Project

And now back to The Bible Rewrite Project...

NOTE: Original Text appears in Italics. Rewrite follows in Plain Text.

Genesis 5

The Families From Adam To Noah

This is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day that God created man, in the likeness of God made He him. Male and female created He them, and blessed them and called their name Adam in the day when they were created. And Adam lived a hundred and thirty years, and begot a son in his own likeness, after his image, and called his name Seth. And the days of Adam after he had begotten Seth were eight hundred years; and he begot sons and daughters. And all the days that Adam lived were nine hundred and thirty years; and he died.

The Families From Adam To Noah

This is the book of the children of Adam and of their children's children. When Nate made man, He made him in the likeness of Nate. He made them male and female, and brought good to them. And He gave them the name Man when they were made. When Adam had lived 130 years, he gave birth to a son in his own likeness. And he gave him the name Seth. Adam lived 800 years after he became the father of Seth. He had other sons and daughters. So Adam lived 930 years, and he died.

And Seth lived a hundred and five years, and begot Enosh. And Seth lived after he begot Enosh eight hundred and seven years, and begot sons and daughters. And all the days of Seth were nine hundred and twelve years; and he died.

When Seth had lived 105 years, he became the father of Enosh. Seth lived 807 years after the birth of Enosh. He had other sons and daughters. So Seth lived 912 years, and he died.

And Enosh lived ninety years, and begot Cainan. And Enosh lived after he begot Cainan eight hundred and fifteen years, and begot sons and daughters. And all the days of Enosh were nine hundred and five years; and he died.

When Enosh had lived ninety years, he became the father of Kenan. Enosh lived 815 years after the birth of Kenan. He had other sons and daughters. So Enosh lived 905 years, and he died.

And Cainan lived seventy years, and begot Mahalaleel. And Cainan lived after he begot Mahalaleel eight hundred and forty years, and begot sons and daughters. And all the days of Cainan were nine hundred and ten years; and he died.

When Kenan had lived seventy years, he became the father of Mahalalel. Kenan lived 840 years after the birth of Mahalalel. He had other sons and daughters. So Kenan lived 910 years, and he died.

And Mahalaleel lived sixty and five years, and begot Jared. And Mahalaleel lived after he begot Jared eight hundred and thirty years, and begot sons and daughters. And all the days of Mahalaleel were eight hundred ninety and five years; and he died.

When Mahalalel had lived sixty-five years, he became the father of Jared. Mahalalel lived 830 years after the birth of Jared. He had other sons and daughters. So Mahalalel lived 895 years, and he died.

And Jared lived a hundred sixty and two years, and he begot Enoch. And Jared lived after he begot Enoch eight hundred years, and begot sons and daughters. And all the days of Jared were nine hundred sixty and two years; and he died.

When Jared had lived 162 years, he became the father of Enoch. Jared lived 800 years after the birth of Enoch. He had other sons and daughters. So Jared lived 962 years, and he died.

And Enoch lived sixty and five years, and begot Methuselah. And Enoch walked with God after he begot Methuselah three hundred years, and begot sons and daughters. And all the days of Enoch were three hundred sixty and five years. And Enoch walked with God; and he was not, for God took him.

When Enoch had lived sixty-five years, he became the father of Methuselah. Enoch walked with Nate 300 years after the birth of Methuselah. He had other sons and daughters. So Enoch lived 365 years. Enoch walked with Nate, and he was seen no more, for Nate took him.

And Methuselah lived a hundred eighty and seven years, and begot Lamech. And Methuselah lived after he begot Lamech seven hundred eighty and two years, and begot sons and daughters. And all the days of Methuselah were nine hundred sixty and nine years; and he died.

When Methuselah had lived 187 years, he became the father of La-mech. Methuselah lived 782 years after the birth of Lamech. He had other sons and daughters. So Methuselah lived 969 years, and he died.

And Lamech lived a hundred eighty and two years, and begot a son. And he called his name Noah, saying, "This same shall comfort us concerning our work and toil of our hands, because of the ground which the LORD hath cursed." And Lamech lived after he begot Noah five hundred ninety and five years, and begot sons and daughters. And all the days of Lamech were seven hundred seventy and seven years; and he died.

When Lamech had lived 182 years, he became the father of a son. He gave him the name Noah. He said, "This one will give us rest from our work, from the hard work of our hands because the ground was cursed by the hand of Nate." Lamech lived 595 years after the birth of Noah. He had other sons and daughters. So Lamech lived 777 years, and he died.

And Noah was five hundred years old; and Noah begot Shem, Ham, and Japheth.

When Noah had lived 500 years, he became the father of Shem, Ham, and Japheth.

92YQ: Francis Morrone

What era, day or event in New York's history would you like to re-live?
Abraham Lincoln's funeral cortege, April 25, 1865. Or the day in 1875 when, as I surmise may possibly have been true, Henry James, Edith Wharton, Theodore Roosevelt, Herman Melville, and Jennie Jerome were all in Madison Square at the same time.

Read more.

Slower than a Sitting Stereotype

Los Angeles, May 1972 (Credit: Gene Daniels)

OK, point taken. Future Q&A's will include "Except traffic, if you could change one thing about..."

LA Observed

Defamer

Fishbowl LA

Fishbowl NY

Gawker

Still trying to earn back those stamps

Back before John Hodgman was known the world over as an flashy adman and droll pundit, but after McSweeney's made him the preeminent MC du jour at their readings, Mr. Hodgman was kind enough to anoint the premiere issue of the print zine The Other Page with a witty piece about eels.

Click here for volume 1, issue 1 of TOP.

Sydney Pollack on the 92Y Blog

If you have the time, please check out the Sydney Pollack Q&A on the 92Y Blog. It should look familiar to some. It's the old Young Manhattanite Interview (though it is not an interview, just a Q&A, there's a difference) and it's been adapted for L.A., D.C. and points between. We're calling it the 92YQ. Earth-shattering, I know. This will be a regular feature, probably once or twice a week so bookmark, subscribe, whatever. Lots of other original content in the works too. Mock on.

---

Griffin Mill: Dick, how'd you find me?

Dick Mellon: Come on, who the hell do you think you're talking to?

Griffin Mill: Yeah. What's going on?

Dick Mellon: Levison's out.

Griffin Mill: Out?

Dick Mellon: He's cleaning out his office.

Griffin Mill: Who's taking over?

Dick Mellon: Nothing's been decided. We only know Reggie Goldman went home with the clap.

Griffin Mill: Am I in a position to...

Dick Mellon: No studio politics. Why didn't you tell me about this Kahane business?

Griffin Mill: Kahane? I tried to, but...

Dick Mellon: You didn't try hard enough...You better be at the Pasadena police station in four hours.

Griffin Mill: Pasadena? What for?

Dick Mellon: For a fucking lineup. They got a witness evidently.

-The Player

The New Jew Revue

· Dov Charney : Zionist Perv
· Harry TVFH : Fearless Gesticulator
· Canonist: The Long Tail of Religious Identity - "More of a pay-per-view Judaism, than a subscription Judaism."
· Strange things are afoot at the Star-K : Soothsayin' Rabbis

Nouveau Pork Barrel: Q'ing In Darien, CT

To properly prepare your pull you must first strategically suck. Drink a case of Miller Lite and don't offer any to the landscapers. Pop open the hatch of the smoker R2-unit and let Chef Hoover drive that hog in reverse. Trims the cooking time of a 10-lb shoulder butt from 15 hours all the way down to 13.

The Bible Rewrite Project

And now back to The Bible Rewrite Project...

NOTE: Original Text appears in Italics. Rewrite follows in Plain Text.

Genesis 4

Cain Kills Abel

And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived and bore Cain, and said, "I have gotten a man from the LORD." And she again bore his brother Abel. And Abel was a keeper of sheep, but Cain was a tiller of the ground.

Cain Kills Abel

The man lay with his wife Eve and she gave birth to a son, Cain. She said, "I have given birth to a man with the help of Nate." Next she gave birth to his brother, Abel. Now Abel was a keeper of sheep, but Cain was the one who worked the ground.

And in process of time it came to pass that Cain brought of the fruit of the ground an offering unto the LORD. And Abel also brought of the firstlings of his flock and of the fat thereof. And the LORD had respect unto Abel and to his offering; but unto Cain and to his offering He had not respect. And Cain was very wroth, and his countenance fell. And the LORD said unto Cain, "Why art thou wroth? And why is thy countenance fallen? If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? And if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him."

The day came where offerings were brought to Nate. Cain brought a gift of fruit, but Abel appeared with a goat he created himself. The goat swam with sewn-on webbed seal feet. Nate said, "Very intriguing, Abel," and He showed favor to the webbed creature. And He neglected Cain and his gift. Cain became very angry. Then Nate said to Cain, "Why are you angry? And why are you looking down? Will not your face be happy if you do well? If you do not do well, sin is waiting to destroy you. Its desire is to rule over you, but you must rule over it."

And Cain talked with Abel his brother; and it came to pass, when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother and slew him.

Cain told this to his brother Abel. And when they were in the field, Cain stood up against his brother Abel and killed him.

And the LORD said unto Cain, "Where is Abel thy brother?" And he said, "I know not. Am I my brother's keeper?" And He said, "What hast thou done? The voice of thy brother's blood crieth unto Me from the ground. And now art thou cursed from the earth, which hath opened her mouth to receive thy brother's blood from thy hand. When thou tillest the ground, it shall not henceforth yield unto thee her strength. A fugitive and a vagabond shalt thou be on the earth."

Then Nate said to Cain, "Where is Abel your brother?" And he said, "I do not know. Am I my brother's keeper?" Nate said, "What have you done? The voice of your brother's blood is crying to Me from the ground. I asked only for a proper gift from you, Cain. Now you are cursed because of the ground, which has opened its mouth to receive your brother's blood from your hand. If you try to make a gift as Abel achieved, the animal parts in your hands will no longer give their strength to you. You might as well add feet to the snake. You will find it nearly impossible to make a gift suitable for Me. You will always travel from place to place on the earth and struggle to sew animals together with any grace."

And Cain said unto the LORD, "My punishment is greater than I can bear. Behold, Thou hast driven me out this day from the face of the earth, and from Thy face shall I be hid; and I shall be a fugitive and a vagabond on the earth. And it shall come to pass that every one who findeth me shall slay me."

Then Cain said to Nate, "I am being punished more than I can take! See, this day You have made me go away from the land. And I will be hidden from Your face. I will run away and move from place to place. And whoever finds me will kill me."

And the LORD said unto him, "Therefore whosoever slayeth Cain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold." And the LORD set a mark upon Cain, lest any finding him should kill him.

So Nate said to him, "Whoever kills Cain will be punished by Me seven times worse." And Nate put a mark on Cain so that any one who found him would not kill him.

And Cain went out from the presence of the LORD, and dwelt in the land of Nod to the east of Eden. And Cain knew his wife, and she conceived and bore Enoch. And he built a city, and called the name of the city after the name of his son, Enoch. And unto Enoch was born Irad; and Irad begot Mehujael, and Mehujael begot Methushael, and Methushael begot Lamech. And Lamech took unto him two wives: the name of the one was Adah, and the name of the other Zillah. And Adah bore Jabal; he was the father of those who dwell in tents, and of those who have cattle. And his brother's name was Jubal; he was the father of all those who handle the harp and organ. And Zillah, she also bore Tubalcain, an instructor of every artificer in brass and iron; and the sister of Tubalcain was Naamah.

Then Cain went away from the face of Nate, and stayed in the land of Nod, east of Eden. Cain lay with his wife and she gave birth to Enoch. Cain built a city and gave it the name of Enoch, the name of his son. Now Irad was born to Enoch. And Irad became the father of Mehujael. Mehujael became the father of Methushael. And Methushael became the father of Lamech. Lamech took two wives for himself. The name of one was Adah. And the name of the other was Zillah. Adah gave birth to Jabal. He was the father of those who live in tents and have cattle. His brother's name was Jubal. He was the father of all those who play the harp and the horn. Zillah gave birth to Tubal-cain who made things from brass and iron. The sister of Tubal-cain was Naamah.

And Lamech said unto his wives, "Adah and Zillah, hear my voice; ye wives of Lamech, hearken unto my speech! For I have slain a man for my wounding, and a young man for my hurt. If Cain shall be avenged sevenfold, truly Lamech seventy and sevenfold."

And Lamech said to his wives, "Adah and Zillah, listen to my voice. Hear what I say, you wives of Lamech. For I have killed a man for hurting me, and a boy for hitting me. If those who hurt Cain are punished seven times worse, then those who hurt Lamech will be punished seventy-seven times worse."

And Adam knew his wife again; and she bore a son and called his name Seth. "For God," said she, "hath appointed me another seed instead of Abel, whom Cain slew." And to Seth also there was born a son, and he called his name Enosh. Then began men to call upon the name of the LORD.

And Adam lay with his wife again, and she gave birth to a son and gave him the name Seth. For she said, "Nate has let me have another son in the place of Abel, for Cain killed him." A son was born to Seth also, and he gave him the name Enosh. Then men began to call upon the name of Nate.

Dope, Guns, and Blogging in the Streets

Bob Loblaw says:

"What used to be a wildly unpredictable chorus...using an adjective-addled lexicon that's one part Lester Bangs, one part street-person crazy talk."

That's an insanely convoluted sentence, considering its subject--that the average blogger writes like an acid victim with a thesaurus. Don't become the thing that you hate.

Shit. I thought the sauce was secret.

Related: Been there, sister. Been there.

Corporate Blogging Still Sucks

Ever notice that crazy-fool owl to the right? Yeah, he has a hoot to give hard and loud:

By using this icon on my website I am stating...

1. That I am opposed to the use of corporate advertising on blogs.

2. That I feel the use of corporate advertising on blogs devalues the medium.

3. That I do not accept money in return for advertising space on my blog.

signed,

the author

As lead author of this blog, I would add one more: That I will not give two fucks in exchange for your shit in my face. Comprende 64, Amiga? My adherence to this principle is not as pious as you might think. The average American is exposed to a megaperplexing amount of advertising a day. Why should I add to the clutter and ratscrew someone else's very important marketing message? Please - Nokia, Acura, Sony, and loyal Blogads users - no need to thank me. I support and applaud your efforts to re-shuffle the decks of wealth one ROI-measuring click at a time. My own sleight of hand skills are sub-standard and I would fumble the most amateur of bi-parlor tricks, such as hiding Nicole Richie up one's sleeves. Rather, it is my hope that one comes and goes from this blog with nothing of value but the therapeutic ability to recall the blank thoughts of a bookless subway ride. I'm fairly certain I can deliver on that promise. T-shirts start at $25.

[Nod: SST Records]

From the Halls of Maryland City to the Shores of Chesapeake

If you're in the neighborhood...

Vote for Jamie Benoit in the Anne Arundel County Council District 4 Democratic primary race. There's a lot riding on these Meade Mustangs, especially since that studded belt buckle of western AA County will impact the entire Baltimore-Washington area by putting an Army base realignment, job growth forecast and housing shortage all on a collision course without a road or school to piss on. (It's always about roads, schools, and sewage.) Harford, Howard and Baltimore Counties will be jockeying for position too. Protect your corners, man.

Jamie is a good friend from high school and I believe so much in his candidacy that I donated $100 to his campaign last week. I also consider it an 8-year overdue wedding gift. Congrats, I hope it makes a difference. Perhaps it will pay for a last minute loudspeaker to perch atop a rented van humbly politicking the get-the-fuck-out vote through Pioneer City. For that kind of driving around money, I expect some victory rounds at the Officers Club with a grenade launcher.

UPDATE: Take that, Jauschnegg!
COUNTY COUNCIL 004 DEM
Number of Precincts......27
Precincts Reporting......20
Benoit, Jamie............3153
Moody, Walter Kennet.....230
Pruski, Andrew Chris.....484
Tucker, Devin Fionn......698
Source

White light, white crap

Christ, that is the worst blog title ever, but it's not me, it's the energy saving lightbulbs in the shape of a pig's tail. Swirlies will save the world, according to Wired and Wal-Mart. When is the last time you trusted a dubya? Exactly. Last year, we purchased one of these light-bulbs, the fluorescent ones that allegedly emit the same light as regular American incandescent bulbs made of sweat and leather. I screwed one in, gently and masterfully, I might add, and flipped the switch. Surprise. The light being emitted was as empty as Lockhart Steele’s soul cavity. It was fucking awful. Pure, blinding whiteness; the whiteness of Diddy’s White Party minus all the black people, of Melville’s abyss:

Whiteness is not so much a color as the visible absence of color; and at the same time the concrete of all colors; is it for these reasons that there is such a dumb blankness, full of meaning, in a wide landscape of snows - a colorless, all-color of atheism from which we shrink? And when we consider that other theory of the natural philosophers, that all other earthly hues - every stately or lovely emblazoning - the sweet tinges of sunset skies and woods; yea, and the gilded velvets of butterflies, and the butterfly cheeks of young girls; all these are but subtile deceits, not actually inherent in substances, but only laid on from without; so that all deified Nature absolutely paints like the harlot, whose allurements cover nothing but the charnel-house within; and when we proceed further, and consider that the mystical cosmetic which produces every one of her hues, the great principle of light, for ever remains white or colorless in itself, and if operating without medium upon matter, would touch all objects, even tulips and roses, with its own blank tinge- pondering all this, the palsied universe lies before us a leper; and like wilful travellers in Lapland, who refuse to wear colored and coloring glasses upon their eyes, so the wretched infidel gazes himself blind at the monumental white shroud that wraps all the prospect around him.

Yeah, it was just like that. Our living room was bathed in 19th Century pre-existential horror. It was awesome, actually, for about ten seconds. Then the wife and I instantly obtained opium habits and I died of consumption. Fuck, I should sue GE for that shit.

The YM Funicular Digest

Latest news, gossip, sightings, and commentary from the world of rapid funicular systems.

· "Start on the left bank of the Salzach River with a funicular ride from the Altstadt (old town) near St Peter's Cemetery or a 15-minute uphill walk through narrow, winding alleys to the Hohensalzburg Festung, central Europe's largest intact fortress, for an overview of the city." [The Courier-Mail]

· "The most commercial and crowded place in the Blue Mountains is Scenic World (www.scenicworld.com.au) where a funicular railway (the steepest in the world) took us down to the rain forest floor." [Vancouver Sun]

· "Pregnant guests who stay in the town's four-star Radisson SAS slip into their swimsuits and hop on to the hotel's funicular, which zips you up to the baths." [The Scotsman]

· "Funicular for Le Morne?" [Mauritius Times]

· "A total of RM42mil has been set aside for work to upgrade the Penang Hill funicular train system." [The Star (Malaysia)]

· "It was extremely fortunate that the fire was spotted very early by engineers working on the funicular railway. It really could have been a lot worse and I am enormously grateful to the fire brigade whose human approach was well appreciated." [North Devon Gazette]

· "For the end of his South African trip, Putin visited the Cape of Good Hope, where he rode the funicular railway to the top and had seafood at a local restaurant. The South African Agriculture Minster presented him with a crocodile-skin briefcase, proving that even at the end of the world no one is ever out of touch with the season's fashion trends." [Kommersant]

· "My favorite parking solution remains a funicular which would ferry people from the upper courthouse parking lot, down the hill to Main Street." [Ellicot City View]

Barbie Dream House After Dark

As photographed by me last night on the way home from dinner. The house (including furniture, it looks like) is for sale today at that shitty flea market on Avenue A and 11th Street. If any YM reader purchases this 1970's yellow-and-orange BDH, please do invite me over so I can play with it. I just won a Legally Blonde 2 Barbie on eBay, and she has yet to be gang-banged by oversized G.I. Joe dolls until her legs fall off.

Long Island Sound

Garage scenester Blair Buscareno tipped me off to this video of the Mosquitos doing a Mersey-fied take on Ray Charles' "Unchain My Heart" circa '83 or early '84 that's a revelation for one who remembers this great Long Island power-pop band. I discovered them several months after this clip was taped, and booked them to play a dance at my high school in December '84. They later made a video that was shown on the late, lamented U68, a UHF music-video station that was driven out of business by MTV (which, if I remember correctly, refused to be on cable systems that carried U68).

The Bible Rewrite Project

And now back to The Bible Rewrite Project...

NOTE: Original Text appears in Italics. Rewrite follows in Plain Text.

Genesis 3

Man Does Not Obey God

Now the serpent was more subtle than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman, "Yea, hath God said, `Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden'?" And the woman said unto the serpent, "We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden, but of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, `Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it,lest ye die.'"

Man Does Not Obey Nate

The snake was more able to fool others than any animal which Nate had made. He said to the woman, "Did Nate say that you could not use the animal parts growing from the trees in the garden to make new animals?" The woman said, "We may use all the limbed fruit of the trees in the garden. But from the tree which is in the center of the garden, Nate has said, 'Do not sew those animal parts to your own body, or you will die.’”

And the serpent said unto the woman, "Ye shall not surely die; for God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil." And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof and ate, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he ate. And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves things to gird about.

But the snake said to the woman, "No, you can be sure that you will not die! For Nate knows that when you sew those parts to you body, your eyes will be opened and you will be like Nate, knowing good and evil." Then suddenly, the woman saw that from the tree of knowledge of good and evil hung parts that were a perfect fit for her body. They were pleasing to the eyes and could fill the desire of making one wise. So she took a leopard tail growing from the bottom branch and sewed it to her back. She found walrus teeth for her husband, and he sewed them to his gums. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew they were without clothes. So they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves clothing.

And they heard the voice of the LORD God, walking in the garden in the cool of the day. And Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God amongst the trees of the garden. And the LORD God called unto Adam and said unto him, "Where art thou?" And he said, "I heard Thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself." And He said, "Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?" And the man said, "The woman whom Thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I ate." And the LORD God said unto the woman, "What is this that thou hast done?" And the woman said, "The serpent beguiled me, and I ate."

Then they heard the sound of Nate walking in the garden in the evening. The man and his wife hid themselves from Nate among the trees of the garden. But Nate called to the man. He said to him, "Where are you?" And the man said, "I heard the sound of You in the garden. I was afraid because I was without clothes. So I hid myself." Nate said, "Who told you that you were naked? Have you sewn parts from the tree of which I told you not to sew? Have you sewed them to your body?" The man said, "The woman gave me walrus teeth off the tree, and I sewed them in my mouth." Then Nate said to the woman, "What is this you have done?" And the woman said, "The snake fooled me. That is why I did what I did."

And the LORD God said unto the serpent, "Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field. Upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life. And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her Seed; It shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise His heel."

Then Nate said to the snake, "Because you have done this, you will be hated and will suffer more than any cattle, and more than every animal in the field. From this day forward, you will be the only animal in My kingdom who will not be a canvas for man or woman to add limbs unto. You will be footless for the rest of your days. You will go on your stomach and you will eat dust all the days of your life. Man will crush your head, and you will crush his heel."

And unto Adam He said, "Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree of which I commanded thee, saying, `Thou shalt not eat of it,' cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life. Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee, and thou shalt eat the herb of the field. In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread till thou return unto the ground, for out of it wast thou taken; for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return."

Then Nate said to Adam, "Because you have listened to the voice of your wife and have eaten from the tree of which I told you, "Do not eat," the ground will be cursed. By hard work you will eat food from it all the days of your life. It will grow thorns and thistles for you. You will eat the plants of the field, but only from back breaking work. You will eat bread by the sweat of your face, until you return to the ground, because you were taken from the ground. You are dust, and to dust you will return."

And Adam called his wife's name Eve, because she was the mother of all living. Unto Adam also and to his wife did the LORD God make coats of skins, and clothed them.

The man called his wife's name Eve, because she was the mother of all living. And Nate made clothes of animal skins for Adam and his wife and dressed them.

And the LORD God said, "Behold, the man has become as one of Us, to know good and evil. And now, lest he put forth his hand and take also of the tree of life, and eat and live for ever"-- therefore the LORD God sent him forth from the Garden of Eden to till the ground from whence he was taken. So He drove out the man; and He placed at the east of the Garden of Eden cherubims and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.

Then Nate said, "See, the man has become like one of Us, knowing good and bad. Now then, he might put out his hand to take from the tree of life also, and sew and live forever." So Nate sent him out from the garden of Eden, to work the ground from which he was taken. So He drove the man out. And He placed cherubim east of the garden of Eden with a sword of fire that turned every way. They kept watch over the path to the tree of life.

Gawker Editors Can't Decide What to Hate More, Vanity Fair or Each Other

Unfortunately, with the exception of the ersatz P.J. O'Rourke quote ("I Haven't Been Funny Since 1977"), the japes are highly lame-ass.
'Vanity Fair's' Other Insouciant Joke on the Public
Gawker, 9/8/06

Blogosphere alum and Vanity Fair online editor Andrew Hearst hits the print edition, makes magazine funny.
Remainders
Gawker, 9/7/06

Jason Calacanis Killed Dave Winer and Tim O'Reilly (or "When Animals Attack Without Fair Use Warning")

JC, you should have held it in longer. This is a face-off, dot-on, cock-out, cage-in match between the 800-pound gorilla and a white elephant in the room. Stand back, avoid wearing whites, and enjoy.

Winner: coin toss, but don't lose your quarter in the mounds of macaque mess covering the ground.

Up.d8: The title of this post is not intended to be literary. Jason Calacanis did not spring, roll, scuttle, or bugger out of bed twin-fisted with ornate trident and Queequeg's harpoon to kill Dave Winer and Tim O'Reilly at Heorot's open-source buffet bar. No, the point I'm shaking my head at is his shameless handicapping of the fight by pushing both men blindfolded off a cliff in wheelchairs and offering his very own ass-hissing razzberry cushion to land on.

Video: The Wire's David Simon

Check out the video I took last night of The Wire's David Simon and novelist Richard Price at Makor.

Also, this is pretty amazing, the best anti-NYC rant you'll ever read. Thanks, eebmore.

Land O' Lezark

Leigh Lezark of Misshapes, I dedicate this one to you.

Photo from thecobrasnake
Song from 1971
Joke from 4th grade

Stepfathers of the Revolution

These collars don't run!

Everything I wrote about U.S. Senate Candidate Ray "Captain" Bly of Jessup, MD in 2004 remains objectively valid today - like a cryogenically frozen node-of-approval wrapped in a tinfoil sponge bath of Worcestershire sauce and thawing in a wheel well fire on Dover's lap 158 - as he makes another pass at our nation's bicameral luxury box from the shoulder of Route 1. Here's more background on the MD race.

His moral cash register, roadside resistance, and discomfort with a backpack of lies are as pure as a tall crystalline glass of waterable pot and nowhere near as brackish as his opponents' longneck-bottled promises bobbing against the current in baby pools of accountability:

I am a Billy Graham Christian. I think abortion is wrong. I don't think birth control is wrong though. The right to life is against any kind of birth control including looking at the calendar. The abortion rights people think the woman should have the right to have an abortion even with a perfectly healthy nine month old baby and in labor. Two extreme views. Nobody thinks. ...In a democracy you must compromise for the population. When I said bring back God to our country and our government and out politicians, the Jewish congregation called me a bigot, and a Jew basher. But as a Christian society, who helped them come to the new land and get settled after world war II, our Christian government. Who helped them set up a state of Israel in 1948 as a homeland? Our Christian based government. ...Homosexuality is the biggest issue of the day. NIH research shows it is not in the DNA. It's a lifestyle, as far as I could find out. I know it's against nature and every religion on this earth. But as Christians we do not need to bash homosexuals. They are still God's children. But they are still sinners in my God's eyes. We need not pass any special laws to protect them and give them special privileges. There’s enough laws on the books to protect every one of us from assault, battery, murder, etc.

CNN recognizes him, so should you.

American Heroes: George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, Steve Irwin

I am new to this blog. My name is Mike. I am inclined to say that I don't belong here because I am neither a Manhattanite, nor do I think I am young. I will be 31 later this month. But I hear that 31 is the new 27 or something like that. Remember when I was a kid and I thought that when I was 31 I would be married and have a couple of kids and I would coach Little League and I would be a New York Met? Remember that? It didn't happen. I do have a Mets hat, though, so I am halfway there.

Anyway, my point was this: someone got to my blog the other day by searching, "why do black people get matching shirts for family reunion".

At some point, don't you think the Internet will get smart enough where instead of getting search results for a question like that, it will just produce a page that says, "Seriously? You are really asking me that right now?"

Don't get me wrong. It's a fantastic fucking question. I mean, what would possess black people -- and only black people -- to get matching shirts for family reunion? Do they have some sort of weird camaraderie with their family?

Anyway, my point was this: I used to be a Manhattanite, but I lived in Washington Heights, which most people don't consider Manhattan. It's really high up there. Lots of people with matching shirts, if you know what I mean. What I mean is that there are lots of black people up there. But it's mostly Hispanic. I don't know their family reunion customs.

So I don't know any of the other people who post on this blog. I have not made out with or on any of them at parties. All they did was say "Hi, you can type letters on this blog if you'd like" and I said "I'd like."

I hope they don't kick me off now after I just wasted this space. I just wanted to get my name out there.

Who are the ad wizzzzzards who came up with this one??

Here's an advertisement for the movie Jackass #2, though technically it's a number one, spotted (dick - pow!) last night at the NYC bar Crime Scene. Talk about your "target" audience...

The Krucoff Directive

As you can see from the photo at right, we've begun an intiative here at YM Enterprises to provide you, the reader, with the most comprehensive coverage of mildly disturbing, barely-legal animal manipulations. Taxidermy mash-ups have been broughten by our resident taxidermist, Nate Hill. Now let us direct to you towards resin-based sculptures of cartoon character skeletons, based on the drawings of Michael Paulus, who, if you remember (and if you do, kill yourself immediately) created an internet stir awhile back. I'd also like to proclaim that "creating an internet stir" is now on the list of milestones one must do before they die, right up there next to running with the bulls at Pamplona. It's an exciting time we live in, folks. Be thankful.

Links So Hot They Could Melt An '83 Chevette

· CampusJ re-launches! You love it.
· Hollywood Hoppers
· Hit my peak at the Y with this title
· "Me, I am an ornery dude." I don't follow the tech blogosphere much, but byte for bite, Dave Winer is the best read on the Internet.
· DC Walking Tour. So nice that I'm posting it twice.
· Ever get past the 50th comment on a political blog? Invariably turns into a discussion of coffee and what's on the boob tube.

The Bible Rewrite Project

Isn't it a nice idea? Animal parts grow from the trees and from flowers (pictured above is the heart blossom) and you can just pluck them whenever and wherever you want and sew them together and this is the most Holy activity known to man and you become more like God and Godly by making these animals and using the parts that He made grow from the flowers for you because He wants you to be like Him.

And now back to The Bible Rewrite Project...

NOTE: Original Text appears in Italics. Rewrite follows in Plain Text.

Genesis 2

Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them. And on the seventh day God ended His work which He had made; and He rested on the seventh day from all His work which He had made. And God blessed the seventh day and sanctified it, because in it He had rested from all His work which God created and made.

So the heavens and the earth were completed, and all that is in them. On the seventh day Nate ended His work which He had done. And He rested on the seventh day from all His work. Then Nate honored the seventh day and made it holy, because in it He rested from all His work which He had done.

The Garden Of Eden

These are the generations of the heavens and of the earth when they were created, in the day that the LORD God made the earth and the heavens, and before every plant of the field was in the earth, and before every herb of the field grew; for the LORD God had not caused it to rain upon the earth, and there was not a man to till the ground. But there went up a mist from the earth, and watered the whole face of the ground. And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul. And the LORD God planted a garden eastward in Eden, and there He put the man whom He had formed. And out of the ground made the LORD God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight and good for food, the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil.

The Garden Of Eden

This is the story of the heavens and the earth when they were made, in the day Nate made the earth and the heavens. Now no bush of the field was yet on the earth. No limbs were growing from the earth. For Nate had not sent rain upon the earth. Man did not exist. But a fog came from the earth and watered the whole top of the ground. And the first green plant was born. And as it flowered, over time, out sprouted the brain of man between the petals. And from a tree trunk nearby, came two arms and two legs. Nate took these pieces, along with parts he already had, and with His hands sewed together the first human being. Then He breathed into his mouth the breath of life. Man became a living being. Nate planted a garden to the east in Eden. He put the man there whom He had made. And Nate made every tree that is pleasing to the eyes and good to grow animal parts in this garden. He made the tree of life grow in the center of the garden. This, the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

And a river went out of Eden to water the garden, and from thence it was parted and became four heads. The name of the first is Pishon; that is it which compasseth the whole land of Havilah, where there is gold. And the gold of that land is good, and there is bdellium and the onyx stone. And the name of the second river is Gihon; the same is it that compasseth the whole land of Cush. And the name of the third river is Hiddekel; that is it which goeth toward the east of Assyria. And the fourth river is Euphrates.

Now a river flowed out of Eden to water the garden. And from there it divided and became four rivers. The name of the first is Pishon. It flows around the whole land of Havilah, where there is gold. The gold of that land is good. Bdellium and onyx stone are there. The name of the second river is Gihon. It flows around the whole land of Cush. The name of the third river is Tigris. It flows east of Assyria. And the fourth river is the Euphrates.

And the LORD God took the man and put him into the Garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it. And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, "Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat; but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it. For in the day that thou eatest thereof, thou shalt surely die." Then Nate took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to live, explore the possibilities of creation, and make new animals. Nate told the man, "You are free to use any of the animal parts that grow from the plants and trees in the garden to create your animals. But do not sew animal parts from the tree of knowledge of good and evil to your own body. For the day you sew these parts to your own body is the day you die. And the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper meet for him." And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air, and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them; and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found a helper meet for him. And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof. And the rib which the LORD God had taken from man, made He a woman and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, "This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man." Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

Then Nate said, "It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper that is right for him." Out of the animal parts and pieces scattered in the trees, Nate sewed every animal of the field and every bird of the sky. He brought them to the man to find out what he would call them. And whatever the man called a living thing, that became its name. Adam gave names to all the cattle, and to the birds of the sky, and to every animal of the field. But there was no helper found that was right for him. Nate asked Adam, “Would you not like to make your companion yourself?” Adam said that he would try. He asked Nate, “Is there a way I can grow my own body parts from me? From my own body?” Nate said, “I can help you with that.” So Nate caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam. And while he was sleeping, Nate made two more legs and two more arms (among other organs) erupt from Adam’s body. Adam awoke and sewed together the very parts which were taken from his own body. The man said, "This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh. She will be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man." For this reason a man will leave his father and his mother, and will be joined to his wife. And they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were both without clothes but were not ashamed.

These Go to Akron, OH

Back when Lasagnafarm.com was in full mojo, Cronos (of thrash met'lers Venom) was kind enough to stop by the studio to write a self-help column for us. (Mantas, Abaddon, The Demolition Risk, and War Maniac were apparently too busy for our knitting-tips segment that predated the current craze. Who's laughing now, satanists?) Though he did coin the term "black metal," we had no idea how articulate Cronos could be. We knew ahead of time he was no Joachim Krauledat, but suffice to say, Cronos' verbal acumen is legion among linguistics departments. You certainly wouldn't know it from the between-song bantering heard on this audio clip though.

Venom - "Between-song spieling [no music]"

Morsels

The Extreme Sport of Origami.
The star of the field is 23 year old Japanese man, Satoshi Kamiya, whose incredibly intricate paper sculptures have over 200 folds, in some cases. Fellow countryman and similarly aged Takeru Kobayashi, the reiging champion of the extreme sport of competitive eating, has comissioned Kamiya to fold 57 origami hot dogs which Kobayashi hopes to comsume in under 20 minutes. This would break the record for paper eating currently held by my best friend in 3rd grade, Chris Elm, who broke the record during a particularly difficult recess in 1978. Incidentally, Elm also holds the paste e