It's Like Guy Lombardo Meets Amanda Congdon

Do you have plans for Sunday night? Other than a botched suicide? Riiiiight, you're too cool for that. I'm here to help. All are cordially invited to my apartment for bean dip and Diplo. Yes, the DVR will be working overtime all night.

The rest of the YM crew will be in attendance for our annual gift exchange of stuff we didn't like but are too lazy to return. Leftovers are inevitable.

The action starts at 9pm. We have nail guns, matching red headbands, and we'll be taking turns playing Russian Roulette with an old rotary phone to see who has to call one of those ch. 35 Asian escort numbers.

Also: Collages are fun.

2006: The Year In Suck My Dick

1. Bitter internet rants. Tough-talkin' white guy don't scare me, so grow a pair and get over it, son. Time to be a man.

2. Wavery Inn. Fuck ye.

3. Being down on Freeman's. All the more devils-on-horseback for me.

4. Internet henchmen.

5. Borat and the self-loathing goyim who love him.

6. Link dumps. Related: your blog.

7. Kid from the WSJ getting all 101 on my ass.

8. Mild-mannered by day. Fuck that shit.

9. Courier. What is this, my college English paper?

10. Trashing the Voice. Let a dead man breathe, for chrissake.

11. Death and the fools who don't know to fear it.

12. Wisdom.

Back to your regular programming.

DougBait

I mocked Nick Douglas for crawling back to Denton after Lock intentionally humiliated the poor fuck for all the world to see but I think I see his real motivation now. Take a leisurely walk through the Flickr nickdouglas and valleywag tags. You'll find a kid after 4 years at a religious college in a corner of Pennsylvania who's now on 24-hour Polk Street Poon Patrol with his new foster city family big shots like Digg's Kevin Rose. Press The Flesh and Eat The Press are no longer colloquial metaphors. I'm disappointed there are no pics of him flashing the tongue wagging V-Sign salute.

Related: In what turned out to be my belated holiday gift to Valleywag readers, Rex goaded me into commenting last night (plus here and here) when I wasn't even aware that our favorite goon-editor was back from vacation. Every once in awhile I don't mind making the site an enjoyable read with my serrated-edge killer insight. It's charity season and all.

Update: In the comments below, HP-ETP's Rachel Sklar takes issue with the characterization of Nick Douglas "crawling back to Denton" after he was fired by the man in the most crudest of ways. She goes on to say that Valleywag (or all of Gawker Media) and Huffington Post are in bed together, which is fine except it's just this kind of media coziness that makes coverage suffer and everyone go limp. Perhaps "crawling" was a poor choice of words. Let me try this again. Barring any predilection for fecal porn, when someone takes a shit on your face, you're not supposed to eat it and ask for more.

His Pattern Indicates 2 Dimensional Thinking

A rare look inside a YM editorial meeting.

Person 1: Help me out. This is as far as I got.

The 10 Worst Blogs of 2006
1. Supermogul
2. Supermongol
3.

Person 2: Repeat that 5 more times and you're done.

TOP Ten: Best/Worst or Most/Least Something

In frame: Ken Marino. Off frame: David Wain. Their movie The Ten premieres at Sundance in January.

This night was my superlaxative moment of 2006.

I have been chosen. Farewell my friends. I go to a better place.

So that happened. (And that.) The Unethicist, no starry-eyed glom-along he, like Ramanujan straight out of nowhere and right to the heart of it, taking the slash-and-burn back to when noone even knew to ask what it meant--suddenly gets the Vanity Fair treatment, all New Establishment-like. Radar cries foul, girls get their knickers in a twist, Nieuwen's all Dylan's gone electric, and someone knew him back in the day. And who's the next lucky bastard to get plucked from the vending machine, the Oz-Man's anointed?

The claw is our master.

More Like A Plateau

Yesterday I was of course referring to Lock's guest stint on Valleywag. He clocked in the lowest traffic weekday in the blog's modern A.D. era.

I've always said he's a pretty funny guy in person but his writing bores me to tears and smears on my spores. To be fair, he's a service journo type who doesn't go for the over-easy or hard-boiled jokes. I'm not really sure how one would make real estate and food all that humorous anyway. (Well, I do, but those topics don't interest me.)

I will commend Lock's Valleywag effort, if only because he used the opportunity to mock the very concept of blogging itself. He took the reigns of a blog that is supposed to cover the Silicon Valley tech scene and he did anything but that. Instead he used the platform for self-promotion and only linked to friends or people he expects favors from. To do any differently would have been pointless.

P.S. Hey Nick Douglas, why are you still contributing to the site? You were fired. Here's the memo. Under it you might find some self-respect.

YM Holiday Party TONIGHT

What do you do when you've over-committed to meeting several groups of people in a night? You don't cancel any of them. Instead, tell them all to go to the Magician at 8pm. They'll be pleasantly surprised to find out they've walked into the Anti-Social Event of the Season: The Impromptu Young Manhattanite Holiday Party.

Unfortunately, Nate Hill (Dr. DooTooMuch) will not be available to make it but newish contributor "99" promises to tear me a new asshole and shove Gage's head up it. This event is open to all. BYOC.

Special Guests: Emily Gordon of Emdashes (she reads The New Yorker!), Julie Andrews of Upper East Side Informer (the UES blog scene is more real than most of you will ever know), and a bunch of Jew bloggers.

Narnia, Lily, and whatever else you go by: we expect you to show up for the genital examination.

The Bible Rewrite Project

In this episode, our hero, Abram gets a surprise from a tricky Nate when Nate sends these to Abrams neck.

After the holidays, I'll blog the new episode of Chop Chop. That'll be episode #3. It's been shot, but now just need to be edited. It's fucking hilarious. And I don't cut myself this time! Happy holidays everyone...

And now back to The Bible Rewrite Project...

NOTE: Original Text appears in Italics. Rewrite
follows in Plain Text.

Genesis 12

God Calls Abram

Now the LORD had said unto Abram, "Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred and from thy father's house, unto a land that I will show thee. And I will make of thee a great nation, and I will bless thee and make thy name great; and thou shalt be a blessing. And I will bless them that bless thee, and curse him that curseth thee; and in thee shall all families of the earth be blessed."

Nate Calls Abram

Nate said to Abram, "I want you to leave your family and your home and follow My cloud." Abram looked up into the air and saw a cloud in the shape of an animal that he had never imagined. He was in awe. "What is it?," Abram asked. Nate said, "A new animal in cloud form. The real thing is nearby. Follow the cloud, and it will lead you there."

So Abram departed as the LORD had spoken unto him, and Lot went with him; and Abram was seventy and five years old when he departed out of Haran. And Abram took Sarai his wife and Lot his brother's son, and all their substance that they had gathered, and the souls whom they had gotten in Haran; and they went forth to go into the land of Canaan, and into the land of Canaan they came. And Abram passed through the land unto the place of Shechem, unto the plain of Moreh. And the Canaanites were then in the land.

Abram followed the cloud to a river. In the murky water, were a school of fish with mustaches. Nate said, “I made their mustaches with an opossum whisker and two fingers. Do you like them?” Abram said, “Yes, a lot.” But his mind was still upon the new animal cloud that he followed. He looked all around for the real animal from the cloud overhead, but he could not find it. He asked Nate, “Is in the dark water, where I cannot see?” Nate was silent. So he held his breath and swam into the deep water. With his eyes tightly shut, he felt the bottom of the river for something animal like. Suddenly there was a sharp pain in his stomach. Then another on his side. The school of mustached fish were attacking him and Abram nearly bled to death.

And the LORD appeared unto Abram and said, "Unto thy seed will I give this land." And there built he an altar unto the LORD, who appeared unto him. And he removed from thence unto a mountain on the east of Bethel and pitched his tent, having Bethel on the west and Ai on the east; and there he built an altar unto the LORD, and called upon the name of the LORD. And Abram journeyed, going on still toward the south.

Abram asked Nate, “Why did You trick me? I could have been killed by Your creation.” Nate said, “I only surprised you. I would not have let you die. But haven't you learned that in good and bad, I am still Nate? I will always be Nate, your Creator. Even when horror and terror falls upon you, I am still Nate, your Creator. And be sure, Abram, horror will find you.” Abram was grateful and prayed to Nate for good. He built an altar there to Him. Then he went from there to the mountain east of Bethel. He put up his tent, with Bethel on the west and Ai on the east. There he built another altar to Nate and called upon His name. Then Abram traveled on, still going toward the Negev.

And there was a famine in the land; and Abram went down into Egypt to sojourn there, for the famine was grievous in the land. And it came to pass, when he had come near to enter into Egypt, that he said unto Sarai his wife, "Behold now, I know that thou art a fair woman to look upon. Therefore it shall come to pass, when the Egyptians shall see thee, that they shall say, `This is his wife'; and they will kill me, but they will save thee alive. Say, I pray thee, thou art my sister, that it may be well with me for thy sake, and my soul shall live because of thee."

Now there was no food in the land. So Abram went south to Egypt to stay there, because it was very hard to live in the land with no food. When he was about to go into Egypt, Abram said to his wife Sarai, "I know that you are a beautiful woman. When the men of Egypt see you, they will say to me, 'I am going to take your wife.' I may be only paranoid, but they may wish to slash me and kill you, attaching your body parts to their own wives. This is why you must rub dirt on your face and do not bathe. Then we will not have any trouble. They will not like you."

And it came to pass, when Abram had come into Egypt, that the Egyptians beheld the woman, that she was very fair. The princes also of Pharaoh saw her, and commended her before Pharaoh; and the woman was taken into Pharaoh's house. And he treated Abram well for her sake; and he had sheep and oxen and heasses, and menservants and maidservants, and sheasses and camels. And the LORD plagued Pharaoh and his house with great plagues because of Sarai, Abram's wife. And Pharaoh called Abram and said, "What is this that thou hast done unto me? Why didst thou not tell me that she was thy wife? Why saidst thou, `She is my sister,' so I might have taken her to me for a wife? Now therefore behold thy wife; take her and go thy way." And Pharaoh commanded his men concerning him; and they sent him away with his wife and all that he had.

When Abram came into Egypt, the men of Egypt saw that his wife was very ugly and smelly. Pharaoh's rulers laughed when they saw her. They called her a dirty pig and told Abram, "Take her and go!"

Another Nail For My Head

A certain someone is guest-editing a certain blog today which I'm aware of only because they told me. I'm actually too embarrassed for the person to point you the way and I feel this a tremendous act of generosity on my part for all involved. It's called Tough Link Love™.

Unwatchable List 2006

Sorry, Rex. I was a big fan of West Wing but when I finally tried to watch a Studio 60 repeat tonight ("The Christmas Show"), I found myself humming "Fuck you, Sorkin" out loud like a holiday jingle. It's a pretty good way to describe the show to someone who hasn't seen it before. With that bit of Fimoculous-baiting, here's my "Stop Watch" List of 2006.

1. Studio 60
2. Lucky Louie
3. Major League Baseball
4. Anything on YouTube over 3 minutes
5. First Day of Valleywag's Redesign
6. Drunk Footage of Myself
7a. Post-Amanda Rocketboom
7b. Pre-Joanne Rocketboom
8. Marie-Antoinette
9. Commercials with whispering
10. Project Runway "Mothers Day" episode

Waiting For The Great Link Forward

We are not immune from participating in frivolous annual holiday traditions. Who are we to argue the joys of smearing oneself head to toe with schmaltz and jumping into a bathos tub? It's that time of year when we take our bong-and-rants routine for a trip down Yankovic Lane. You might remember 2003's classic "Ron McDonald Had a LasagnaFarm" and "The Other Jimmy Page" East River ditty that closed out 2004 or hopefully at least last year's enhanced video edition, "Born on a Train to Auschwitz" - all of which were deleted days after being published. (Sorry, that's part of the tradition too.) This go around we flog our after grog bog and concede all bragging rights. Enjoy before we destroy the evidence. This is pretty fuckin' bad.

To the tune of Billy Bragg's "Waiting for the Great Leap Forwards"
[MP3 and original lyrics]

It may have been Spamalot for Nick and Elizabeth
On the Joe DiMaggio Highway filling up romans à clef.
Felix Salmon's sister spies a sparrow that is dying
Over taxidermy's disembodiment.
Coen glosses over facts she is denying
4 Times Square might sympathize with devils but I think that we should warn her
That ESPN Zone is just around the corner.

On a subway platform a photographer is blinded
By the resumption of picture banning and he is reminded
That Dr. Jonathan Zizmor's optimism fell
When Gothamist raised hell.

In the cheese-packed district the noise ends with a thud
It's the sound of Ian Spiegelman talking shit
And mocking up fake blood
And someone asking 21 questions they clearly didn't write.
Whither the 15 lame-filled minutes of the PDF-zine writer?

Mixing gossip and polemics we ask you what the fuck is
The deal with the embarrassment of "who wrote what" excuses.
While blocking my Dodgeball coordinates
From wherever Brian Van is waiting
I'm looking for the great link forward.

Juggling staffers are re-organized and domain names have been posted
Even after closing titles there's a gay man getting toasted
You can stick out with the sycophants
Or sleep off the hangovers
While you're waiting for the great link forward.

One Lock forward, two looks back
Will Julia Allison get with Sac?

Here comes John Carney and you can't run from him
If you've got an AA list I want to be his plus one.

I'm a mighty long way down your blogroll
From TOP to the cops drawing blanks on the droll.

If no one out there gets the gist
Fill your own prescription and cut out the pharmacist.

In a perfect world we'd all blog like TAN
But this is reality, I'm whiter than Wham!

So join this mugging while you may
The revolution died with t-muffle away.

(Hook me up, Bucky!)

This Wad Was Made For You And Me

"Extended entries. You don't want to get in the habit of hiding stuff after the jump just because you can, and I know servers have wreaked havoc on extended entries before, but extended entries are a good thing. Don't be afraid to use them."

In the coming weeks you'll see what happens when sausage is cooked in a microwave for 24 hours, even while poking holes. Stay tuned.

Chef Boyar-Dazs

This is the apology my roommate offers after our place was broken into because she left her fire escape window/gate unlocked. I'm about halfway through accepting it.

Pushcarts Are Conversations

Not a moment too soon if you ask me and if you don't stop with the questions, my next answer will be a Kreischer-brick kiss on the mouth. Thanks. This watch was spit-shined.

Don't get me wrong, I admire a good pushcart as much as the next smokehouse meat-piper lining Pitt Street. My mother rode one in the reverse-alderman position all the way to P.H. 24 (the "Polio Grounds" my Uncle would say - before he died in their treeless courtyard after a phlegm harvesting experiment) while in labor with me, a famous city story which gave "birth" (snip, spank) to the use of staged re-enactments in newscasts and remains a corollary for today's Broadway revival.

But in recent years the stench of decaying produce, death-packing density levels, and lack of standardized pushcart safety requirements have made the downtown streets a poorly repeated punchline in Malthusian urban planning. Chutes and ladders have been replaced with fire escapes and water balloons.

I welcome this "closed market" development philosophy because there's no better way to clean up the streets than to stick all the trash under one roof.

Read more: New York Times, 9/16/36
Related: To Market, To Market -- Essex Street Style [Gothamist]

Yank Queens Go Native in Pretzelville and Flutter Purple Wings on Main Drags

New York Tattler, March 1934: Rudy Vallee gets beaten like a rented mule.

Will Straw, Traffic in Scandal: The Story of Broadway Brevities [PDF, 5MB]

Oy is Yo Backwards

From the inbox: Comedian-rapper Eric Schwartz (a.k.a. Smooth-E) is this year's dreidel kingpin with the release of his holiday Heeb-hop hit "Chocolate Coins."

Hide it in a box: "Anyone who says it's impossible to be a stoner and a parent has either never been a stoner, or never been a parent." - Reefer Dadness, Neal Pollack. His Alternadad column on Jewcy has become a must-read.

Boxing matches: David Kelsey, one of the feistiest rabbil-rousers in the Jewesphere, goes after Big Aish and delicately hints that I was a Fievel Mousekewitz on a field trip who fell for their Rube Goldberg trap. He makes some good points I wouldn't argue with here, but that's mainly because I've met him and it will be much more fun to do it in person. I propose a Shabbat Showdown at the Weiss's.

Do not open box: Dawn Eden has been releasing a series of "Chastening Thoughts" videos on YouTube to promote her new book. The other day I offered her some unsolicited advice:

1. Mix up the locales. Shoot one in front of the Planned Parenthood building near the Daily News offices. Use tomatoes.

2. Consider adopting the "skin to win" philosophy of video-making. Doesn't even have to be yours.

3. If you've kept a handy list of all the guys who boned you before taking the chastity vow, now's the time to dig up those skeletons and publish the "Done Eden" report.

4. I'm sure you have a raunchy sex tape in your past. Release it. Now.

She doesn't exactly comply but this is still pretty awesome.

The 92nd Street Y Perusal Matrix

Recognize these faces? If so, go here and win prizes.

The Bible Rewrite Project

The picture above has nothing to do with this chapter. It's just for the people who think that I chopped up a dog in the last episode of "Chop Chop". It was a CALF, y'all!! Didn't you hear all the cow puns from the narrators? Geez.

And now back to The Bible Rewrite Project...

NOTE: Original Text appears in Italics. Rewrite follows in Plain Text.

Genesis 11

The Tower At Babylon

And the whole earth was of one language, and of one speech. And it came to pass, as they journeyed from the east, that they found a plain in the land of Shinar, and they dwelt there. And they said one to another, "Come, let us make bricks and burn them thoroughly." And they had brick for stone, and slime had they for mortar. And they said, "Come, let us build us a city and a tower whose top may reach unto heaven; and let us make us a name, lest we be scattered abroad upon the face of the whole earth."

The Tower At Babylon

Now the whole earth spoke the same language with the same words. And as men traveled in the east, they found a valley in Shinar and made their home there. They said to one another, "Come, let's make blocks and burn them until they are hard." They used blocks for stone, and tar to hold them together. Then they said, "Come, let's build a city for ourselves, where we can make new animals with the canvases Nate has provided. In this city, we will place a tower that touches the Heavens. There any man or woman will be able to offer their creation to Nate. All they will have to do is climb the tower."

And the LORD came down to see the city and the tower which the children of men built. And the LORD said, "Behold, the people are one and they have all one language, and this they begin to do; and now nothing will be withheld from them which they have imagined to do. Come, let Us go down, and there confound their language, that they may not understand one another's speech." So the LORD scattered them abroad from thence upon the face of all the earth; and they left off building the city. Therefore is the name of it called Babel [that is, Confusion], because the LORD did there confound the language of all the earth; and from thence did the LORD scatter them abroad upon the face of all the earth.

So the men built the tower all the way to the heavens just as they had dreamed. They wanted to consult with Nate, they wanted to challenge Nate, but most of all, they wanted to learn from Nate. The Creator appeared riding a new animal cloud and said, "Hello! It is wonderful that you, good people, have tried to reach the Heavens that I have created. You are trying to attain My greatness! This amuses me and I am impressed with your courage. Now, what new animals have your brought for me?" Nate looked at the bags full of new animals they brought and He offered His help with each one. After talking with Him, the people would rush back down the tower to incorporate Nate's suggestions. As the day closed, Nate said to all, "This is only the beginning of what you will do. Now, all you plan to do will be possible. I am proud of you. Thank you for your questions and your tributes. Keep working. You will get it right one day." The good people spread and cities grew in all parts of the world. In each, there was a tower like Babel. Thus forth, all men and women could ascend its steps and pay tribute to Nate or simply discuss, for a time, the techniques of creating new animals.

The Families After Shem

These are the generations of Shem: Shem was a hundred years old and begot Arphaxad two years after the flood; and Shem lived after he begot Arphaxad five hundred years, and begot sons and daughters. And Arphaxad lived five and thirty years and begot Salah; and Arphaxad lived after he begot Salah four hundred and three years, and begot sons and daughters. And Salah lived thirty years and begot Eber; and Salah lived after he begot Eber four hundred and three years, and begot sons and daughters. And Eber lived four and thirty years and begot Peleg; and Eber lived after he begot Peleg four hundred and thirty years, and begot sons and daughters. And Peleg lived thirty years and begot Reu; and Peleg lived after he begot Reu two hundred and nine years, and begot sons and daughters. And Reu lived two and thirty years and begot Serug; and Reu lived after he begot Serug two hundred and seven years, and begot sons and daughters. And Serug lived thirty years and begot Nahor; and Serug lived after he begot Nahor two hundred years, and begot sons and daughters. And Nahor lived nine and twenty years and begot Terah; and Nahor lived after he begot Terah one hundred and nineteen years, and begot sons and daughters. And Terah lived seventy years and begot Abram, Nahor, and Haran.

The Families After Shem

These are the children of Shem. When Shem had lived 100 years, he became the father of Arpachshad, two years after the flood. Shem lived 500 years after the birth of Arpachshad. He had other sons and daughters. When Arpachshad had lived thirty-five years, he became the father of Shelah. Arpachshad lived 403 years after the birth of Shelah. He had other sons and daughters. When Shelah had lived thirty years, he became the father of Eber. Shelah lived 403 years after the birth of Eber. He had other sons and daughters. When Eber had lived thirty-four years, he became the father of Peleg. Eber lived 430 years after the birth of Peleg. He had other sons and daughters. When Peleg had lived thirty years, he became the father of Reu. Peleg lived 209 years after the birth of Reu. He had other sons and daughters. When Reu had lived thirty-two years, he became the father of Serug. Reu lived 207 years after the birth of Serug. He had other sons and daughters. When Serug had lived thirty years, he became the father of Nahor. Se-rug lived 200 years after the birth of Nahor. He had other sons and daughters. When Nahor had lived twenty-nine years, he became the father of Terah. Nahor lived 119 years after the birth of Terah. He had other sons and daughters. When Terah had lived seventy years, he became the father of Abram, Nahor and Haran.

Now these are the generations of Terah: Terah begot Abram, Nahor, and Haran; and Haran begot Lot. And Haran died before his father Terah in the land of his nativity, in Ur of the Chaldeans. And Abram and Nahor took for themselves wives: the name of Abram's wife was Sarai, and the name of Nahor's wife, Milcah, the daughter of Haran, the father of Milcah, and the father of Iscah. But Sarai was barren; she had no child. And Terah took Abram his son, and Lot the son of Haran his son's son, and Sarai his daughter-in-law, his son Abram's wife; and they went forth with them from Ur of the Chaldeans to go into the land of Canaan; and they came unto Haran and dwelt there. And the days of Terah were two hundred and five years, and Terah died in Haran.

Now these are the children of Terah. Terah became the father of Abram, Nahor and Haran. And Haran became the father of Lot. Haran died with his father Terah beside him in the land of his birth, Ur of the Chaldeans. Abram and Nahor both married. The name of Abram's wife was Sarai. The name of Nahor's wife was Milcah, the daughter of Haran. Haran was the father of Milcah and Iscah. But Sarai could not give birth. She had no child. Terah took his son Abram, and his grandson Lot, the son of Haran, and his daughter-in-law Sarai, the wife of his son Abram and they went together from Ur of the Chaldeans to the land of Canaan. But when they went as far as Haran, they made their home there. Terah lived 205 years, and he died in Haran.

In and out

On a cloudy morning about 16 years ago, I woke up after a night of drinking and possibly putting my hands on female breasts, and decided to spend the day going in and out the front doors of the local library. I arrived just after it opened and headed inside for the first of probably 150 times. As soon as I got past the turnstiles and nodded to the older woman manning the information kiosk, I spun around 180 degrees and walked briskly back outside. I made it as far as the parking lot before flipping another pedestrian bitch and then back inside.

I repeated this, like I just fucking said, about 149 more times that day before the police were called. I was not doing any drugs. I did not threaten any of the library patrons. But I was, I have to admit, not using the public library in the way it had been intended. When questioned by the police officer, I told him I “worked for the door company” and was doing some R & D for the hinge division. To prove this, I reached (slowly) into my jacket pocket and produced a can of WD40, which I immediately began applying to the hinges. “To be honest,” I told the cop, “I’m a bit disappointed in their performance.”

He arrested me for smart-assery, more commonly known as being a public nuisance.

I put up no struggle, even when he took my can of WD40 (maybe one time a prisoner greased the bars and slipped through them?), and calmly put my hands behind my back to be handcuffed. I was stuffed gently in to the back seat of the squad car and then driven quite literally across the street to the station. Seriously, we could have walked there quicker, it was that close to the library. A mugshot was taken, some laughs were exchanged, my fingerprints were recorded, and I was let go.

So that’s the story of why I most likely will never be a viable candidate for the American presidency. Too bad, because I have a 7-point plan guaranteed to solve the crisis in the Middle East.

Art of the Book: Review

Wren Abbott, an editorial intern at New York magazine and freelance writer, reviewed last night's sold-out event featuring Milton Glaser, Chip Kidd and Dave Eggers for the 92Y Blog.

The Other Buzzmachine

Gallery of Stick Figure Warning Signs
Say what you will about my ability to stick with something longer than a GBV song, but goddamn if my fingers weren't dipped in The Prophetical Palmolive (Jan Miner, I'm pointing at you) when I typed this blogging mission statement 3 years ago. That's right Maslow, self-actualize this.

(Bad Punning + Metaphor Mixing + Indiscriminate Bolding)*LES Neighbor Bashing/(Gawker Obsessing - Kicker Baiting) = Buttloads of CollegeHumor.com Traffic

OK, so I gave up on bolding and the last part should be flipped to: "minus CollegeHumor.com Masturbating) = Buttloads of Kicker Traffic" but the Axiom of Evil is still ticking and licking wounds. Those who doubt its strength will only be killed slower.

See also: Current AYM

Girls Gone Erstwild: Inbox Colonic Edition

Jewcy Issue 02: Subversively Didactic is out.

The Grand Marquee would like you to hear their "Perfect" song. Also on the music tipple, I relive the summer of 2002.

The Big Three Killed My People: "As this JTA exclusive reveals, GM has a Nazi-era skeleton that has been lurking in its closet. The company was in league with Hitler commercially and helped power the Third Reich's war machine."

You Can Run, But You'll Probably Get Tired Because You're Old: "In a pair of tangents to the ongoing affair, last week, agency head Richard Edelman ducked a scheduled appearance at a panel co-sponsored by his agency in Washington, D.C., "Politics, Democracy & the Internet," when activists from Wal-Mart Watch showed up handing out flyers headlined "The Wal-Mart Flog" and chronicling the firm's involvement in the debacle." I guess he won't be showing his face at the WOMMA conference either after Jeff Jarvis cunched him in the punt. [MediaPost via Wal-Mart Watch]

Four Eyed Monsters opens in New York today.

Hospital Target: "Put your little one in the driver's seat with this sweet ride: the Peg Perego–licensed Vespa GT scooter works on dirt, grass and sidewalks."

Eet U Smakelijk: Punk stuff via Malatron

To the good folks at Aish Passaic, sorry but I'm not in.

Eater LA launches! I don't get it, where are the crime stories?

Todd Barry: Go to comixny.com. Put in promotional code ToddVIP and receive $5 off advance tickets. THIS CLUB DOES NOT HAVE A DRINK MINIMUM! (Caps are his.)

Blogger Karaoke Holiday Charity: $100-$500 for the charity of the blogger's choice. Requirements: Blogger visits SingShot.com a free online karaoke site. Bloggers must be invited by SingShot directly or through a SingShot proxy. To request an invitation: email angela at that URL.

From the guy who brought you The Shivah, a rabbinical adventure/mystery game, here's The Blackwell Legacy. The duo's first case will involve a series of suicides at NYU. Now that's bold.

Trimming Google by throwing the Dodgeball out with the sewer water? I'm not exactly sure what's going on here but I don't see the cute commentary anymore. (BTW, loved your nod to The Wire, even if it's Season 4, but you should have gone all out and created a criminal-style org chart for the web hoppers.)

And lastly, on that tail-grabbing/tiger-hollering note, don't forget: drinks at The Magician tonight with Jason Calacanis. Should be weird. Lockhart will be the only Gawker Media rep in attendance (though I have a feeling even he will bail) but we'll toast Gawker's impressive resurgence all the same. Good job, guys. That's a rare moment of YM sincerity. I don't often break out of my "all wind and piss like a tanyard cat" act on this blog.