92Y Ta-Da

An AP writer put the 92nd Street Y on her big "to do" list while comedian Wendy Spero does the 92YQ even though she's sick in L.A.

New recurring blog features:

Ask the Parenting Center

Tisch Music Talk

Makor Soundboard

Lynching Jessica Pressler

Oooooh, she really did it this time. First it was the 6th Borough of Philly brouharhar, now JP is getting burned for going blackface while sunbathing on a bed of indie rocks and she done irked all the wrong people - HuffPo, Style Dash, Gawker, Gothamist, Colonel K Speaks, and Brooklyn Vegan.

Thing is, she has a point but the unfortunate use of "blipster" ruined it. (Of course, my always-assuming/often-wrong conspiratorial instincts tell me it was a deliberate attempt to pull an atomic Tuskegee-wedgie over the music blog reading public and it worked. Smell the glove, people.) The well-intentioned among us like to fancy themselves as colorblind folk, but I'm sure there was a reason that one of the only black kids who was a regular at punk shows in the Crofton/Annapolis area called himself "tarbaby."

Hint: see The Assimilated Negro.

40 Years Done Dirt Cheap

On Friday, extended family (from Japan to Darien, CT) gathered in Baltimore for Auntie Ann's funeral and the next day we celebrated my parents' 40th wedding anniversary in Crofton. Sisters-in-law spent weeks planning the big party and brother Jason logged countless/editless "Ken Burns" hours producing a 33-minute video to honor the occasion. We'll let future generations of family pundits judge the historical artifacts and whether a half hour docu-slideshow was time-appropriate, but I threw together a 4.5 minute version this morning.

92YQ: Alex Kuczynski

Of all the movies made about or highly associated with New York, what role would you have liked to be cast in?
If Roy Scheider had had a girlfriend in Marathon Man, I would have liked to play that role. (Roy Scheider, of course, being New York’s greatest iconic leading man—you know, slightly worried, slightly intellectual but really physically fit. Remember the scene of him doing the push-ups off the side of the bed in his boxer shorts in his Paris hotel room???) Unfortunately, he didn’t.

Alex Kuczynski [92Y Blog]

Fat Rats and Small Cats

My recap of the 92nd Street Y Blogger Reception is up now. Lock still hasn't provided a reason as to why he canceled the Gawker Party Team's planned coverage at the last minute but one assumes his remarks about the "no name blogs" involved might have something to do with it. Fair enough, sorry we couldn't get Paris Hilton's twat to make an appearance.

Gentlemen, Cool Your Jets

This post was deleted from Jalopnik for mentioning and linking to me. My god, now Davey Johnson has been punished for linking to a Jawbreaker song! Shit yo, this is getting serious.

A Brief Digression on Dessert and Revenue

One of the joys of working for Gawker is how separate the ad and editorial sides are, and it's often surprising for us to refresh the page and see what the ad...

It's Fun To Stay At The YMHA

Blogger Reception last night at the 92nd Street Y, covered on Galleycat and HuffPo's Eat The Press. I will add that I obviously don't care how I look these days. Blogging has made me rolly-polly and jowly-jolly but there's really no excuse for the hair.

You won't find anything on Gawker because Lock canceled their planned dispatch of the party team at the last minute. It's part of a larger institutional ban on all things related to me. Somewhere four of their commenters breathe a "thank god, enough with that talentless, not funny, do-nothing guy!"

More (of the same) on this later.

Alex Balk: Defending Spiers

In life, it's always good to have cheerleaders. Even better if you can look up their skirt.

Date: Wed, 5 Oct 2005 08:54:53 -0700 (PDT)

So, completely unrelated to the EGREGIOUS, MALICIOUS AND INACCURATE ITEM POSTED TODAY ON A WEBSITE THAT HASN'T BEEN WORTH READING IN A YEAR, I was thinking about M. Elizabeth Spiers and the forthcoming sale of her novel, which, reliable sources inform me (UNLIKE VARIOUS TROLL-SIZED HARPIES WHO POST INVECTIVE WITHOUT RECOURSE TO FACT, I ACTUALLY DID SOME RESEARCH) should be fairly soon, and I thought that we might all get together to celebrate. Not a huge group, but a decent sized number of people who love Liz and want to congratulate her on her success. Plus, we haven't all been together in a while, so it would be good to see everyone. I've scheduled “drinks” for Thursday, October 20, time and date T.K., but it would be lovely if a bunch of you joined me and SURPRISED her. I know that some of you are closer to her and may want to do something else to celebrate, so do let me know if I'm stepping on any toes, but if you'd like to join in, please let me know. You can forward this to anyone close to Liz that I might have left off, but let's not pass it along to any VICIOUS, SLIME-SLINGING SOCIOPATHS WHO WOULDN'T KNOW FUNNY IF IT WALKED UP TO HER AND HANDED HER A BUSINESS CARD READING "FUNNY." Because, you know, that might be a little awkward.

Hope everyone's well.

Best, etc.,
Alex

Hey dude, can I get one of those cards?

Needle In The 'Stack

I can assure you we hate ourselves infinitely more than the two seconds you stop to even consider our existence. Here's the email I sent Shott a couple of weeks ago.

well, you know, i'm still uncomfortable with the idea of speaking for a large swath of bloggers - or even anyone other than myself. we're talking about a very small circle here, it doesn't really count. plus, there are times i go months without stepping into a bar so i'm not much of an authority.

too much at any single spot can be seen as a lack of imagination or worse, social heresy for not embracing the many options our city affords us. doesn't make a difference to me. i find a place i like, i stick with it until it becomes unbearable. i practically lived in luna lounge from '96-'98 but eventually stopped when it got too crowded. it was a great run, except for getting banned after a drunken yelling match with a female bartender. (wasn't really my fault, i swear. she baited me and i was told later by someone who worked there that she had several issues in the customer relations dept.)

in a nutshell (in a bowl inside the magician), i'm incredibly lazy and not particularly interested in the bar/restaurant/club scene. if i had my choice, people would just come to my apartment to drink. the magician is a block away from where i live and i'm a creature with a pretty small comfort zone.

More blogfucky goodness: Blog Ghetto, Reprezent! [teendrama]

92YQ: Beth Lapides

Still proving Hitchens wrong, women CAN be funny.

92YQ: Beth Lapides

When I Do It This Way, There's More Bounce

Have plans for tonight? Good, cancel them. There's only one place to be: Fresh Meat Comedy.

92YQ: Annabelle Gurwitch

It's crazy "original content" day over on the 92Y Blog! "Funny gal" Annabelle Gurwitch does the NYC Q&A and two "baby boomer" authors contribute a guest post.

"Original content" operates under a Creative Commons license. "Funny gal" is used on a contractual basis. "Baby boomer" was the OED Word of the Year in 1912.

Liar Liar, Rants On Fire

Denton is cracking down on liars in his lair. Physician, go fuck thyself.

More lies. Denton spits them out through his teeth. He never answers why Mohney was fired. In fact, he refuses to use the word "fired" though I'm not sure there's another term for notifying an employee the day before it hits the news wires that he has two options: reassignment or quit. (Mohney would never pull a Nick Douglas.) Apparently it wasn't about traffic - the old "it's not you, it's meme" excuse of running a blog empire. OK, fine, but quit stalling at the green light and say what the actual business decisions were behind this. Was it just that Choire was available? I'd buy it, wholesale.

I wonder what Denton and Lock really feel about Mohney's job performance. We'll never know the truth of course, natural born liars they are. Was he given any sign along the way that he was in hot water before Nick and Lock took a golden shower on him? Ironically, it's the same foul-weather situation when Mohney's tidal base was raised and Oxfeld was shown the all-purpose steele boot. To this day Lock still can't look Ox in the eye and honestly say why he was fired. (Was it just that Balk was available? I'd buy it, retail no less.) Everyone knew Denton never liked Ox on a personal level, I sincerely hope that isn't the case with Mohney too.

The Bible Rewrite Project

And now back to The Bible Rewrite Project...

NOTE: Original Text appears in Italics. Rewrite follows in Plain Text.

Genesis 15

God's Agreement With Abram

After these things the word of the LORD came unto Abram in a vision, saying, "Fear not, Abram. I am thy shield and thy exceeding great reward." And Abram said, "Lord GOD, what wilt Thou give me, seeing I go childless and the steward of my house is this Eliezer of Damascus?" And Abram said, "Behold, to me Thou hast given no seed; and lo, one born in my house is mine heir." And behold, the word of the LORD came unto him, saying, "This shall not be thine heir, but he that shall come forth out of thine own loins shall be thine heir." And He brought him forth outdoors and said, "Look now toward heaven and count the stars, if thou be able to number them." And He said unto him, "So shall thy seed be." And he believed in the LORD; and He accounted it to him for righteousness.

Nate's Agreement With Abram

After these things, the word of Nate came to Abram in a vision, saying, "Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your home. Your reward will be very great." Abram said, "O Nate, what will I receive? For I have no child. And the one who is to get what belongs to me is Eliezer of Damascus." Abram said, "Because You have not given me a child, one born in my house will be given all I have." Then the word of Nate came to him, saying, "This man will not be given what is yours. But your own child will be given what is yours." He took him outside into the night and He made it day and said, "Look at what I have made grow from the trees. Watch as I harvest My deer limbs." Abram looked as the deer limbs dropped like branches onto the ground, each falling into a perfect line side by side. Nate said, "Count the deer limbs into the distance if you can. As many as you see will be your offspring." The road of limbs stretched far like a bridge to infinity. Abram saw that the number was uncountable and he believed. This made him right with Nate.

And He said unto him, "I am the LORD who brought thee out of Ur of the Chaldeans, to give thee this land to inherit it." And he said, "Lord GOD, whereby shall I know that I shall inherit it?" And He said unto him, "Take Me a heifer of three years old, and a shegoat of three years old, and a ram of three years old, and a turtledove, and a young pigeon." And he took unto Him all these, and divided them in the midst and laid each piece one against another; but the birds divided he not. And when the fowls came down upon the carcasses, Abram drove them away.

Nate said to him, "I am the One who brought you out of Ur of the Chaldeans to give you this land for your own." And Abram said, "Nate, how may I know that it will be mine?" So Nate said to him, "You doubt Me? Well, it is not for Me to convince you that I am telling the truth. You must have faith. If you are faithless, then you will perish.” Abram responded, “Let me not offend you, Nate. It will be a cold night. I will bring you a cow, goat, ram, turtledove and a young pigeon." Then Abram brought all these to Him, cut them up, and sewed together a beautiful patchwork blanket. It pleased Nate.

And when the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell upon Abram; and lo, a horror of great darkness fell upon him. And He said unto Abram, "Know of a surety that thy seed shall be a stranger in a land that is not theirs, and shall serve them; and they shall afflict them four hundred years. And also that nation whom they shall serve will I judge, and afterward shall they come out with great substance. And thou shalt go to thy fathers in peace; thou shalt be buried at a good old age. But in the fourth generation they shall come hither again, for the iniquity of the Amorites is not yet full."

When the sun was going down, Abram went into a dead sleep. His dreams were filled with fear and darkness. Nate said to Abram, "Know for sure that your children and those born after them will be strangers in a land that is not theirs. They will be servants and suffer for 400 years. But I will punish the nation they will serve. And later they will come out with many riches. You will live many years, die in peace and be buried. Then your great great-grandchildren will return here. For the sins of the Amorite are not yet finished."

And it came to pass that when the sun went down and it was dark, behold, a smoking furnace and a burning lamp passed between those pieces. On the same day the LORD made a covenant with Abram, saying, "Unto thy seed have I given this land, from the river of Egypt unto the great river, the River Euphrates: the Kenites and the Kenizzites and the Kadmonites, and the Hittites and the Perizzites and the Rephaim, and the Amorites and the Canaanites and the Girgashites and the Jebusites."

Nate looked upon the blanket and appreciated Abram’s work. Nate made an agreement with Abram on that day. He said, "I have given this land to your children and to their children's children, from the river of Egypt as far as the Euphrates River, the land of the Kenite, the Kenizzite, the Kadmonite, the Hittite, the Perizzite, the Rephaim, the Amorite, the Canaanite, the Girgashite and the Jebusite."

Making It Worse If We Can

The Monorchid - "What We Need Is More Than This"

Previously: "Abyss" and "Sink the West Coast"

This is usually a Krucoff.com post but I think today it warrants a YM promotion. Please observe the no commenting policy.

GAWKER EXPLOSION: Sicha It All

The YM tip box has been blowing up for the last 24 hours but that's not unusual when your best friends are suicide bombers. I keep hearing that Choire Sicha is returning to Gawker and that someone is on the outs. The first part seems plausible, if not kinda depressing for someone who deserves better, but there is no way that anyone is leaving the Gawker playpen. Subtraction is not in Denton's working vocab at the moment. It's all add, add, add, addvertising. (Or in the case of Nick Douglas, it was simple division - the remainder being zero.)

Plus, he's been trying forever to get a "full-time reporter" on staff to break news and clean it up in a million little pieces. Are Mohney and Balk not classically trained in the ancient art of journalism? Who knows, but many have turned it down and maybe Choire is feeling less "observed" these days, preferring the old boss over the new boss.

If all true, it's good timing. It's been over six months with triple the content and contributors, all of which has helped Gawker get
almost back to its Oxfeldian traffic levels.

Watch this space, as they say.

UPDATE: Ha, the Ox, of all people broke the story this morning. Sad fucking day actually. Mohney, YM will always have a home for you.

Photographing Ann Fisher

My Auntie Ann is 100 years old (recently hospitalized and photographed, insert) and feeling every bit of it these days. In her Baltimore youth, she played a game with her sisters called "funeral" where she would lay corpse-pose on two chairs while my grandmother and other great-aunt walked around her and remarked "my, don't she look natural."

In more recent decades, she made it to the top of WBAL radio's banned caller list, a fact brought to light when my sister interned there during college and stumbled upon the memo. Another family member was #2. "Ann from Mount Washington" and sometimes "Ann from Pimlico" (nice try, rarely worked) was addicted to talk radio which is no small problem for a person who never shuts up.

But that's Auntie Ann, she has an opinion on everything and likes to keep up with current events. When asked the other day who the President was, she repeatedly replied "Castro!" It's a splotchy neck-and-neck race but I hope he goes down first.

Classic TOP: This Story Has Legs

Top: NY Knick Allan Houston in serious court traffic
Bottom: NY's Allen & Houston with little night traffic

StateFarm Insurance buys ad space on Yahoo Maps promoting a list of the 10 most dangerous intersections in the country. One can assume they mean in terms of traffic accidents because there are some sketchy blocks in Hunt's Point, Bronx and North Avenue, Baltimore (not to mention the intersection of 10 beers and San Loco at 4am) and none of them made the list. When you search by location on New York the results return with the message "Dangerous intersections. No list available."

Of course that data is probably holed up in some NYS DMV staffer's pendaflex covered with doughnut sprinkles and coffee stains. Since I don't drive in the city anymore it's of little importance to me where the car-on-car casualties happen if the statistics don't include when some old geezer in an '89 Mercury Grand Marquis takes out a block of D'ag Baggin' UWS yups.

Anyone who pays attention to local NYC news even a little bit will eventually hear a story about the famed stretch of Queens Boulevard that has caused more than 50 pedestrian deaths since 1993. Now we're smelling what they're stepping through. While that's considerably less than the number of murders attributed to Saddam Huessin's reign of terror, it's about 49 more than those during clubland Peter Gatien's. The questions are begged: When are U.S. troops gonna invade Queens Boulevard or can we at least get the courts to shut down the road on racketeering charges?

Wait a minute, who cares? Outer-borough problems occupy my list of concerns right after my roommate's requests to stop eating her food. So let's get to something that hits-and-runs closer to home, the Lower East Side. Forgive me if I get a little colloquial here but those Lizzie Grubman in-forward motherfuckers making right turns on green (with the walk sign in full effect) from Houston to Allen are the maddest, most reckless assholes on the face of the earth. They have no regard for human life and constantly whip around that corner with no pause like some horrific real-time version of Grand Theft Auto. Drivers treat pedestrians at this corner like 2nd class citizens, tourists even! Some of the worst perps are the MTA buses, multi-tonnage vessels of stench and death, just wishing to bash your broad side with full frontal AOL ad attacks. You have no choice but to keep running yellow unless you want to be remembered as OU8it2.

I am normally a fearless city walker holding the possibly too arrogant assumption "hey, they'll stop" but I always think and look twice when crossing east at that intersection. I suggest you do likewise. And whenever possible, it's a good policy to "human shield" yourself by walking on the safer, break-the-impact, right side of others - like old people and women with strollers.

Originally published on The Other Page, 1/27/04

Jesus of the Week

I'd like to thank Jack for all that he gave.
You know his hair is like a 20 foot wave.

-Submitted by Sac, image from J2K7

The Bible Rewrite Project

And now back to The Bible Rewrite Project...

NOTE: Original Text appears in Italics. Rewrite follows in Plain Text.

Genesis 14

Abram Keeps Lot From Being Killed

And it came to pass in the days of Amraphel king of Shinar, Arioch king of Ellasar, Chedorlaomer king of Elam, and Tidal king of nations, that these made war with Bera king of Sodom, and with Birsha king of Gomorrah, Shinab king of Admah, and Shemeber king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela, which is Zoar. All these were joined together in the Vale of Siddim, which is the Salt Sea. Twelve years they served Chedorlaomer, and in the thirteenth year they rebelled. And in the fourteenth year came Chedorlaomer and the kings that were with him, and smote the Rephaim in Ashteroth Karnaim, and the Zuzim in Ham, and the Emim in Shaveh Kiriathaim, and the Horites in their Mount Seir, unto Elparan, which is by the wilderness. And they returned and came to Enmishpat, which is Kadesh, and smote all the country of the Amalekites and also the Amorites, who dwelt in Hazezontamar. And there went out the king of Sodom, and the king of Gomorrah, and the king of Admah, and the king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela (the same is Zoar), and they joined battle with them in the Vale of Siddim, against Chedorlaomer the king of Elam, and against Tidal king of nations, and Amraphel king of Shinar, and Arioch king of Ellasar -- four kings against five. And the Vale of Siddim was full of slime pits; and the kings of Sodom and Gomorrah fled and fell there, and those who remained fled to the mountain. And they took all the goods of Sodom and Gomorrah and all their victuals, and went their way. And they took Lot, Abram's brother's son, who dwelt in Sodom, and his goods and departed.

Abram Keeps Lot From Being Killed

It was during the years of Amraphel king of Shinar, Arioch king of Ellasar, Chedorlaomer king of Elam, and Tidal king of Goiim, that there was a war against Bera king of Sodom, Birsha king of Gomorrah, Shinab king of Admah, Shemeber king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela (Zoar). All these joined together in the valley of Siddim (Salt Sea). They had been ruled by Chedorlaomer for twelve years. But in the thirteenth year they went against him. Then in the fourteenth year, Chedorlaomer and the kings who were with him came and won a war against the Rephaim in Ashteroth-karnaim, the Zuzim in Ham, the Emim in Shavehkiriathaim, and the Horites in their Mount Seir as far as El-paran near the place where no people live. Then they turned around and came to Enmishpat (Kadesh). There they won a war against the Amalekites and the Amorites who lived in Hazazon-tamar. Then the kings of Sodom, Gomorrah, Admah, Zeboiim and Bela went out and joined in war against them in the valley of Siddim. They fought against Chedorlaomer king of Elam, Tidal king of Goiim, Amraphel king of Shinar, and Arioch king of Ellasar, four kings against five. Now the Siddim valley was full of deep holes with tar. The kings of Sodom and Gomorrah turned and ran and some died. But the others ran away into the hills. Then those who won the war took all that belonged to Sodom and Gomorrah, and all their food, and left. They also took Lot, the son of Abram's brother, who lived in Sodom, and all that belonged to him, and left.

And there came one who had escaped, and told Abram the Hebrew, for he dwelt on the plain of Mamre the Amorite, brother of Eshcol and brother of Aner; and these were confederate with Abram. And when Abram heard that his brother was taken captive, he armed his trained servants, born in his own house (three hundred and eighteen), and pursued them unto Dan. And he divided himself against them, he and his servants by night, and smote them and pursued them unto Hobah, which is on the left hand of Damascus. And he brought back all the goods, and also brought again his brother Lot and his goods, and the women also and the people.

Then a man who had narrowly escaped death came and told Abram what had happened. Abram was living by the oaks of Mamre. Lot was his brother's son. When Abram heard that one of his family had been taken away, he led 318 men to bring Lot home. They brought with them sewed warring animals with snake fangs and bear claws (like this but bigger). Ferocious! Abram rode into battle on a horse with the head of a great white shark. They pursued the kings into Dan. And Abram's men divided themselves against them, cornering them in Hobah, on the left hand of Damascus. There Abram reclaimed all the things they had taken. He also returned with his brother's son, Lot, and all that belonged to him, and the women and the people.

And the king of Sodom went out to meet him at the Valley of Shaveh (which is the King's Dale) after his return from the slaughter of Chedorlaomer and of the kings who were with him. And Melchizedek king of Salem brought forth bread and wine; and he was the priest of the Most High God. And he blessed him and said, "Blessed be Abram of the Most High God, possessor of heaven and earth; and blessed be the Most High God, who hath delivered thine enemies into thy hand." And he gave him tithes of all. And the king of Sodom said unto Abram, "Give me the persons, and take the goods for thyself." And Abram said to the king of Sodom, "I have lifted up mine hand unto the LORD, the Most High God, the possessor of heaven and earth, that I will not take from a thread even to a shoe strap, and that I will not take any thing that is thine, lest thou shouldest say,`I have made Abram rich'" except only that which the young men have eaten and the portion of the men who went with me: Aner, Eshcol, and Mamre; let them take their portion."

After Abram returned from destroying Chedorlaomer and the kings who were with him, the king of Sodom went out to meet him at the valley of Shaveh (that is, the King's valley). Melchizedek king of Salem brought out bread and wine. He was a religious leader of Nate Most High. And Melchizedek honored Abram and said, "May good come to Abram from Nate Most High, Maker of heaven and earth. Honor and thanks be to Nate Most High, Who has given into your hand those who fought against you." Then Abram gave Melchizedek a tenth of all he had taken. And the king of Sodom said to Abram, "Give me the people, but take the riches and food for yourself." But Abram said to the king of Sodom, "I have promised Nate Most High, Maker of heaven and earth, that I will not take a piece of string or piece of leather or anything that is yours. Or else you might say, 'I have made Abram rich.' I will take nothing but what the young men have eaten, and the share of the men who went with me. Let Aner, Eshcol and Mamre take their share."

Mohney Changes Everything

Chris Mohney, Gawker's managing editor and YM's lone peddling audience member (don't be fooled by all the aliases he uses here, the guy's tearing up the comments field like he's on a 20-seater), gets justifiably worried when we dip below our Gawker reference quota for the day. Hell, I even hired more farmhands to make sure my flatulence-pending milking formula is processed with assembly-line efficiency through rain, F-train, sleestack, Slate or snowmobile attack. It's a risky operation that requires supply meeting demand at least halfway without the use of clumsy price controls, lest the elasticity of my boxer briefs starts to expand unfavorably. Sorry, we don't have the time to slow-churn this stuff for fewer calories.

Chris understands the chicken/egg problem better than anyone. He both lays and eats them, though it's unclear which one he considers the "business end." He also knows one would not subsist without the other. It's that whole Yin and Weltanschauung tattooed across the knuckles of his hands thing. Which brings me to an apology of sorts - "99," I once told you to lay off the gaw-gaw girls when posting on YM because it seemed unfair. Or rather, I was given something like a lecture how it was unfair and then passed the message on to you. But the point is the same. Fight the real enemy. Mohney. He's ruined that site more than a thousand Brian Van photo-ops and special features that feature damb ussholes. It's his hen house and his failure to clean up all the shit. He even took the cock out of Balk's walk, btw, though I assume the masterful control of cringe reflex is something he's built up a tolerance for over the years.

Mohney, listen up, we're putting you on SuicideWatch. We'll need an alibi when we kill you.

Previously: TOP Classic Edition - 1/16/04

Believe Your Own Blog Clippings

Virginia Beach resident Aughie of Three Blocks West was interviewed on Mr Joe Blog's Blog and said:

If you could recommend one website, what would it be and explain why.
http://blog.92y.org/ - the blog for the 92nd Street Y in NYC. They have very interesting reviews with authors, artists, and other magic people.

Also, one of his favorite songs is "Wraith Pinned To The Mist And Other Games" by Of Montreal. The kid has taste.

Previously: "Not just for New Yorkers!"

The Bible Rewrite Project

And now back to The Bible Rewrite Project...

NOTE: Original Text appears in Italics. Rewrite follows in Plain Text.

Genesis 13

Abram And Lot Go Different Ways

And Abram went up out of Egypt, he and his wife and all that he had, and Lot with him, into the south. And Abram was very rich in cattle, in silver, and in gold. And he went on his journeys from the south even to Bethel, unto the place where his tent had been at the beginning, between Bethel and Ai, unto the place of the altar which he had made there at the first; and there Abram called on the name of the LORD. And Lot also, who went with Abram, had flocks and herds and tents. And the land was not able to bear them, that they might dwell together; for their substance was great, so that they could not dwell together. And there was strife between the herdsmen of Abram's cattle and the herdsmen of Lot's cattle; and the Canaanites and the Perizzites dwelled then in the land. And Abram said unto Lot, "Let there be no strife, I pray thee, between me and thee and between my herdsmen and thy herdsmen; for we are brethren. Is not the whole land before thee? Separate thyself, I pray thee, from me. If thou wilt take the left hand, then I will go to the right, or if thou depart to the right hand, then I will go to the left."

Abram And Lot Go Different Ways

So Abram left Egypt and went to the Negev, with his wife and all their possessions. And Lot went with him. Abram was very rich in animal parts. He had quite a stock. He traveled from the Negev as far as Bethel, to the place where his tent had been at the beginning, between Bethel and Ai, where he had made an altar. And it was there that Abram called on the name of Nate. Now Lot, who went with Abram, had jars upon jars of animals parts of his own. It took many men with horses to transport them all. This Abram and Lot had in common, but both men had an independent vision. A division grew between their camps. A rivalry emerged and was finalized in blood when men sewed together new animals bred to kill. So Abram said to Lot, "Let there be no fighting between you and me or between the men who take care of our animals, for we are brothers. Is not the whole land in front of you? Each of us can go a different way. If you go to the left, then I will go to the right. If you go to the right, then I will go to the left."

And Lot lifted up his eyes and beheld all the plain of Jordan, that it was well watered everywhere (before the LORD destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah), even as the garden of the LORD, like the land of Egypt as thou comest unto Zoar. Then Lot chose for himself all the plain of Jordan; and Lot journeyed east, and they separated themselves the one from the other. Abram dwelled in the land of Canaan, and Lot dwelled in the cities of the plain, and pitched his tent toward Sodom. But the men of Sodom were wicked and sinners before the LORD exceedingly.

Lot looked and saw that the Jordan valley was well watered everywhere like the garden of Nate, like the land of Egypt as you go to Zoar. (This was before Nate destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah.) So Lot chose all the Jordan valley for himself. And as Lot traveled east, they went apart from each other. Abram made his home in the land of Canaan. Lot made his home in the cities of the valley and moved his tents as far as Sodom, whose men were sinful, sinning against Nate.

And the LORD said unto Abram after Lot was separated from him, "Lift up now thine eyes, and look from the place where thou art, northward and southward and eastward and westward; for all the land which thou seest, to thee will I give it and to thy seed for ever. And I will make thy seed as the dust of the earth, so that if a man can number the dust of the earth, then shall thy seed also be numbered. Arise, walk through the land in the length of it and in the breadth of it, for I will give it unto thee." Then Abram removed his tent and came and dwelt in the plain of Mamre, which is in Hebron, and built there an altar unto the LORD.

Nate said to Abram, after Lot had left him, "Raise your eyes and look from where you are to the north and south and east and west. For I will give all the land that you see to you and to your children and to your children's children forever. I will make your family after you like the dust of the earth. So if anyone could number the dust of the earth, then he could number your children's children. Rise up and walk far and wide upon the land. For I will give it to you." Then Abram moved his tent and came to live among the oaks of Mamre in Hebron. There he built an altar to Nate.

New Haven Weather Report: Full Frontal Bulldogs

Before SuicideGirls legitimized the tattooed titty and fishy fleshnet scene, there was a fanzine called Probe that specialized in nudie punk rock girls looking bored. The former makes loads of money (and HBO specials) while the forerunner put Aaron Muentz $40K in the wrong hole. I'm not exactly sure how that happened but one of YM's own is friends with him and verifies the financial skullbongery. He contributed in its early days and even appeared naked with his wife-to-be. I own issues #3, #4 and #6, all of which make suitable family heirlooms. To celebrate the first one (this was pre-PDF, kids!), they threw a naked party. These days, kids spend $40K a year on college education to attend a naked party.

Related:
"Fugazi? When did you go to school again?"
Fugazi - "Bulldog Front"

Without an umlaut, it doesn't really count

I feel sick. But in a very good way. [via Calacanis]

The Most Important [anything that rhymes with -eel] of the Day

Over the weekend, no less than three people emailed me page 2 of an article about breakfast that appeared in the New York Times. I didn't read it so I'm not linking to it. Here's why: 1) I never eat breakfast and 2) my New Years Resolutions included a ban on all publications with "New York" in the title. (All I really need to know I learn on Gothamist, Largehearted Boy, Radar, and Nextbook.)

How come no one sent me the Big Boar Hunter story? I had to find out about it the hard way. On Netscape.

Thanks for the tip, Nar

This is pretty awesome. Denton loses his shit and then jerks off on it.

I'm learning promo

Pardon my shameless plug... you can see my show, "Chop Chop" Episode #1 tonight on Brooklyn public access TV.

The channels in Brooklyn are Cablevision #68 and Time Warner #35.

10pm.

I'm hoping to venture into other stations in other states soon. Who's with me?

Chop Chop

Here's the brand spankin' new episode #3. The neighbors actually complained of the smell. Next time I might actually have a girl narrate. A girl!!!

Can't Fight the Power When You've Already Lost to the Urge

A chance encounter at the Delancey and Essex McDonald's around 3am with Ben Popken of Consumerist. I was most impressed when he got to the counter and ordered a hot dog with mayo, two-a-spicy meatballs, and a head of lettuce. Super-fetishized.


Same McDonald's, a month earlier at 4am. Rumble for nothing and chicks fight free.

Scanities

These pictures didn't make the online edition of Vanity Fair but I ran them through a dead-tree pixelator to squeeze out every last bit of juicy pulp from its pages. When wood knocks, you better answer.


Honestly, it took at least 20 dumps before I noticed this chart with Jess Coen. (Too distracted by the red Izod chicks on that Key West boat. "Crew" my ass.) I cut some stuff from the original graphic but it's a nice "welcome aboard" gesture from the VF staff. Remember Jess, wait until Graydon gets the oxygen tank in his mouth before shooting.


And from the Esquire spread, New York Media Darlingangers: Dana Vachon, Rachel Sklar, and Maer Roshan.