Whether you're a fan of my column or are too lazy to read the beautiful crap, here is a recap of my Bible Rewrite Project thus far. I use these as CliffsNotes to remind myself where I am in the story and what the hell I'm doing. Basically, the moral of the story is: I am God because I cut up dead animals and sew them back together and make new animals, and you should do it too and be like God also...
Genesis 1:
First Nate thinks of every idea that will ever be.
Then He creates everything--Heaven and earth.
In Heaven He declares that the greatest animals are sewn together.
Then He makes plants grow from the earth.
These plants have seeds with animal parts in them.
The parts of animals are growing on the earth before the animals are.
Then He sewed all the first animals together from the plants He made.
These first animals were made from those first plants.
Then the animals were made to reproduce themselves.
So we have this fascinating idea that sewn together animals reproduce.
Then He announces that the animals He has made are blank canvases.
The animals He made are prototypes.
And He gives all the parts and the animals to man for him to sew.
He also announces that this is the holiest activity known to man.
Genesis 2:
He rests on the seventh day.
Before man was ever created, Nate made water come and the first plant.
The brain of man sprouted from between the petals.
From a tree trunk came the body.
Nate took the pieces and sewed together the first human.
Then He breathed the first breath into man and he was made real.
Then He planted a garden and put the first man there.
All the best trees for growing animal parts were there.
So He put man there to explore the possibilities of creation with animals.
Nate told him he could use any parts, just not the ones from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.
He told him if you do that then that is the day you will die.
Then He said it is not good for man to be alone.
From the pieces in the trees Nate sewed together all the animals in existence on earth.
Then He let Adam name them.
But Adam was not able to find a helper for himself from the animals.
He made parts erupt from Adam's own body and Adam sewed them together.
He made him fall into a deep sleep and when he awoke he sewed Eve together.
The man and the woman were without clothes but felt no shame.
Genesis 3:
The snake asks Eve if Nate really said they could not use any animals?
Eve says they can use animal parts just not the ones from the tree of knowledge.
Eve says that He said that they would die if they use those parts.
The snake says that she can be sure that they will not die.
Then Eve sees that there are hanging animal parts that are a perfect fit for her body.
And that these parts would make her wise and be like Nate.
She sewed a leopard tail to her back and gave walrus teeth to her husband and he sewed them to his gums.
Then their eyes were opened and they knew they were naked so they covered themselves with fig leaves.
So then Nate comes walking through the garden and they hid.
Nate asks, Have you sewn the parts to your body from the tree of knowledge?
Adam says Eve gave him the teeth.
Eve blames the serpent and says she was tricked.
So then Nate says because of this the serpent will be punished.
He will be the only animal in the kingdom who will not have limbs sewn unto.
So then Adam is cursed also to work the land with much struggle for results.
So man was driven out of the Garden for sewing the parts onto their body.
Genesis 4:
Eve gives birth to Cain followed by Abel.
One day both Cain and Abel brought offerings.
Cain brought fruit, but Abel brought a home sewn goat with webbed seal feet.
Nate showed favor to Abel's gift.
He neglected Cain's gift and Cain got angry.
Nate asked him why he was angry and warned him not to fall into jealousy or sin.
Cain kills his brother Abel.
Nate asks Cain where his brother is because he can hear Abel's blood crying out from the ground.
He curses Cain so that he will not be able to make new animals no matter how he tries.
Cain says he is being punished too harshly and he thinks he will be killed.
Nate protects him with a mark.
Adam and Eve had another child named Seth to replace Abel.
Genesis 5:
When Nate made man he made them in the likeness of Nate.
He also named them Man.
Adam fathered Seth and died at 930.
Seth fathered Enosh and died at 912.
Enosh fathered Kenan and died at 905.
Kenan fathered Mahalahel and died at 910.
Mahalahel fathered Jared and died at 895.
Jared fathered Enoch and died at 962.
Enoch fathered Methuselah and died at 365.
Methuselah fathered Lamech and died at 969.
Lamech fathered Noah and died at 777.
Noah fathered Shem, Ham, and Japeth.
Genesis 6:
When men became many, Nate made sure their daughters were beautiful.
This way men could have beautiful wives.
Nate said that His spirit would not stay in man forever.
There would come a time when man dies around 120 years or much less.
The men were physically powerful.
Man was becoming more and more sinful before Nate.
Every plan and thought in man's heart were sinful.
Man was sewing animal parts to his own body in unspeakable places.
Nate was sorry that he made man.
He decided to destroy His creation and everything on the land including the limbed fruit.
But Noah found grace in Nate's eyes.
Noah was a good man in a world of sinful men.
He did not attach animal parts to himself.
Instead he made beautiful animals for Nate.
At this time, man was killing his fellow man for human body parts.
A man would kill his best friend for his biceps and attach them to himself.
All men were sick with sin, but Noah was right with Nate.
Nate told Noah that he was going to destroy all men.
He gave him instructions on how to make a large boat for him and his family.
He said bring the limbed fruit and the live animals onto the boat.
Male and female of the animals.
Nate said these will remain canvases for man's creation.
Nate was disappointed with his creation of man, but knew that hope was never lost.
Genesis 7:
Nate tells Noah and his family to go into the boat.
He says that at the time, Noah was the only good one among sinful men.
He gives him instructions on the numbers of animals to take.
Nate says that he will send rain for 40 days and 40 nights and destroy everything.
Noah and his family did everything He told them to do.
They all went into the boat as the flooding began.
They each carried a sapling of a plant that would someday grow animal parts.
All the animals went in and Nate shut them in.
The water grew deep over the earth and the boat lifted.
The water was 4 times taller than a man over the top of the mountains.
The water destroyed everything on the earth.
Only those on the boat with Noah survived.
The water covered the earth for 150 days.
Genesis 8:
Nate made it stop raining and the water go down.
The large boat came to a rest at Mount Ararat.
Still Noah could not actually see dry land.
To test for dry land, Noah sent out a raven to see if it might return with a twig, but the raven did not return.
Then Noah sent out a dove, but the dove returned because there was no land for her to land.
Noah waited and sent out a second dove, but it also returned.
Noah grew restless and he wanted to get off the boat.
He wanted to find the land himself.
So he sewed together many animals that float easily and made an animal bridge.
One by one, he sewed hippos and polar bears, until he reached shallow water.
There he found a beautiful olive tree, peeking from the water, growing animal parts, the limbed fruit.
Still, Noah had to walk back to the ark on his animal bridge since the earth was still covered with water however shallow.
Finally the water dried up, and Nate told Noah to bring everyone and everything out of the ark.
Noah made a new animal offering of thanks to Nate that included 4 giraffe necks and 2 pairs of frog's legs.
Nate promised never to destroy all mankind again.
Genesis 9:
Nate says to remake all the animals in the land.
Nate says that we may eat the new animals that we sew, but that the best sewn creations should not be eaten so others may see them in the future.
Nate says he will take the life of every animal and person for taking life.
Whoever takes a life, will have his life taken, Nate says.
Then He says to teach the children to sew together animals.
He says that He promises to never destroy all life with a flood again.
To remind us of His promise, Nate sends clouds in the shapes of new animals.
And whenever we see them, we are reminded of his promise.
Noah had a farm and planted a grape field where he made wine.
He drank too much and his son, Ham, sewed Noah's hand into a pig carcass.
Then Ham told his two brothers.
His brothers helped their father in this time and treated him with respect.
When Noah awoke from his sleep, he knew it was Ham who abused him because he recognized the sewing pattern.
Noah called to Nate and said, let the land of Canaan, Ham's home, be cursed.
Noah dies.
Genesis 10:
Biblical genealogy is presented.
Genesis 11:
Like minded people who spoke the same language decided to make a town together.
There they would make new animal with the canvases that Nate gave them.
They built a tower to the Heavens where they could personally offer new animal offerings to Nate and receive artistic advice.
They wanted to learn from Nate.
The people ascended the tower and Nate drove in riding a cloud.
Nate saw the bags of new animals that they had brought and He offered his time to each one.
Nate thanked them all at the end of day and they descended with His suggestions in their head.
This idea spread and in each city there would be a tower like in Babel.
Nate said that He loved their courage in trying to be like Him and they they would get it right someday.
Also more biblical genealogy.
Genesis 12:
Nate told Abram to leave his family and follow His cloud.
The cloud was in the shape of a new animal made by Nate.
Abram was in awe of the cloud's shape and Nate said the cloud would lead him to the real animal.
Abram followed it.
The cloud lead him to a river where he could only barely make out fish with mustaches.
The cloud stayed overhead, so Abram knew the animal he was looking for must be close by.
He asked Nate if it was deep in the water where he could not see?
Nate was silent.
So Abram held his breath and swam into the deep.
He didn't find the animal, but the mustached fish almost ate him alive.
Abram asked Nate why He tricked him and almost killed him?
Nate said that He would not have let him die, and it was only a surprise.
Nate also said that in good and bad, He will always be Nate.
Even when terror comes.
Nate promises that horror will come.
Abram was grateful and built an alter to Nate.
Abram traveled with his wife Sarai to Egypt.
Before they arrived in Egypt, Abram asked that Sarai rub dirt on her face.
Abram was afraid that if the men saw that she was pretty, they would cut off her body parts to sew onto their own wives.
When they say Sarai all dirty, they called her a dirty pig.
Genesis 13:
A division grew between Lot and Abram.
They could not agree on territory for their people and animal parts.
Between their camps, there was a war and men sewed killer new animals to fight in battle.
They resolved to end their fighting over land and go their separate ways.
Nate promises to bless Abram with riches, health, and a strong, large family.
Genesis 14:
There was a war and Lot was kidnapped.
Lot was Abram's nephew, so Abram vowed to rescue him.
Abram gathered a small army of 318 men to get Lot.
They sewed ferocious warring animals to go into battle.
Abram rode a horse that had the head of a great white shark.
They rescued Lot and everything that belonged to him.
After the victory, Abram was honored by the king of Sodom.
Abram declined the gifts from the king.
Abram said that Nate would provide and he didn't want to take too much.
He would only accept what his army had eaten.
Genesis 15:
Nate says He will give Abram a great reward.
Abram worries that his family will get nothing because he has not bore a son.
Nate tells him that his family will indeed retain the wealth that He will bless him with.
It was dark and Nate made it day and brought deer limbs from the trees.
The deer limbs dropped like branches and fell magically into a perfect line.
The limbs made a walking bridge so far that Abram could not see the end.
Nate said that as many limbs as Abram could count would be his offspring.
Abram believed, yet expressed some doubt.
Nate said, if you have no faith, you will perish.
Abram apologized for offending Nate.
He made Him a blanket made from a mix of animal skins.
So Nate agreed to give Abram many lands for his descendants.
Genesis 16:
Sarai was not interested in child bearing.
According to her, Nate had blessed her with not motherhood, but animal sewing abilities.
Sarai told Abram, her husband, that he should have a child with their servant Hagar.
Abram and Hagar got married and Hagar became pregnant.
Hagar began to hate Sarai when Hagar got pregnant.
Sarai made it hard on her servant and she ran away and took the baby with her.
An angel of Nate finds Hagar and tells her she should return to her masters, Sarai and Abram.
Hagar returns but not before claiming that Sarai should not have children because she makes new animals.
Genesis 17:
Nate tells Abram to obey Him and live right and he will get many children.
Nate says Abram will father many nations.
He changes Abram's name to Abraham.
Nate promises his children a great nation as many great works of art as well.
As a symbol of Nate's agreement with Abraham and his descendants, Nate asks that they cut their penises off and replace them each with an animal penis.
This is a religious act of agreement between man and Nate for Nate's promise to Abraham's people.
They may choose whatever animal penis they like as a replacement.
Sarai's name changed to Sarah.
Nate promises a son (to be named Isaac) to Abraham and Sarah.
Abraham could not believe it because he was 99 years old.
Regardless, Abraham cut off his piece of skin that day.
He replaced it with a dolphin.
Because someday I'll be too old to play a Young Manhattanite, replacements will be needed.
