Budget Altarcations: You Didn't Meet a Girl on Nantucket When You Were 13, and Now You Never Will
Weddings are to be held only on weekends, and so it must be for Altarcations too. Technical difficulties prevented me from sending in my weekly opus "on time", although for the record, the column in its heyday USED to be published at like 4pm on Monday afternoons. I'm just saying. But so, here you go, I guess. I wrote this on Sunday and I'm too lazy to edit. To the five people who will read this: enjoy!
***
Good evening, lovers! This week's installment of Altarcations is going to be somewhat brief, because I went to this kickass engagement party last night and I'm still hungover -- they were serving beverages named after the grandmother of the bride, which tells you all that you need to know.
So! The engagement party was beautiful and the couple darling, so as a wise literary figure once wrote, I believe in love! And so I have to admit: the story of Kelly Morgan and Timothy Maciejak made me super wistful.
The two "met on Nantucket in the summer of 1994 outside Aunt Leah's Fudge shop. Ms. Morgan was 12, and Mr. Maciejak was 13." He tossed over a piece of paper with his phone number on it and then ran away! She called him and they met at the fudge shop the next day! He was five inches shorter than her! I bet they stared at the ground and kicked SO MANY rocks that day. God, remember tweenage summers? It really never gets any better, or maybe it just never gets any worse.
Here's a journalistic scandal worthy of Deadspin: winsome hockey broadcast reporter skates a little TOO close to her subject, falling in love with NHL defenseman Jay Leach while covering his team. What's next: Suzyn Waldman shacking up with A-Rod? (One can only hope, if only f
or the sake of Kate Hudson's career.) But New Jersey Devil Jay Leach wasn't even the best skater to get hitched this weekend, because the Ottawa Senator's Ryan Shannon also tied the knot and he has, like, better stats. Two puckhandlers in one day! Gary Bettman's PR office must be working overtime. While we're on the subject, I would like to note that Chris Higgins is about to replace David Wright as New York's hottest young athlete. I'm serious about this. You read it here first, folks!
Speaking of winter recreation, I'm trying to figure out which Utah ski resort Anita Kawatra was visiting when she "fell head over heels" literally and figuratively (isn't it always?) for Keith Palzer. I'd assume Deer Valley, because its resort-y luxury would probably befit a man who is "the director of product development in the alternative investments hedge fund
group at the Merrill Lynch division of the Bank of America in Manhattan". (What's wrong with the catchall "he's in finance"?) On the other hand, I could see him trying to pump up his skier cred by going to Alta but then, like, staying at the Rustler. Fuckin' gaper. At any rate, you gotta admire Keith's persistence: he "finessed an invitation to her birthday party and a ski trip she had planned with friends" before inviting her on a romantic getaway and telling her he loved her on Day 2, and he also "squired her around New York in a wheelchair" and tended to her when she was on crutches for "nearly 2 years" (!) after she took a digger on the slopes. You can never go wrong with the damsel in distress storyline. Oh yeah and PS: David Dinkins officiated.
Finally, trend alert: the Times historically seems to have a thing for people involved in the artistic orgasm that is Sesame Street. This weekend Elizabeth Nealon, the former creative director on the show (is that really a job, and how can I have it? And also, I hope she was responsible for this!) ma
rried "an author of science books for children, including 'Dolphins' and 'The Human Body'" who is 23 years her senior. Is that not the cutest thing you've ever heard? The dude's other books are absolutely killing me. Other selected titles: "Lightning", "Pets in a Jar" (!!!), "Icebergs and Glaciers" -- I honestly think I read that one; I went through a phase -- and, heh heh, "Uranus". When I have kids, I am shipping them off to that couple's house in lieu of summer camp. Related: speaking of the 'Street, the girl in the beginning of this segment is a dead ringer for Jessi from NYC Prep, amirite?
Elsewhere this weekend, two art gallery types (Vassar and Bard, obvs) were married by "a minister of the National Spiritual Science Center"; a hot couple met at Harvard, "from which they both received MBA's"; the son of the SEC chief from 2002-2005 profited from your unemployment; we learn that Jonah Hill's "second father" was The Fonz and that The Fonz's actual offspring is a total freeloader; and someone descended, like so many testicles, from "Roger Williams, the founder of Rhode Island".
This week's head to head battle pits a literary wunderkind with some Obama wannabes (tounge twister!) Who will win?
Lauren D'Elia and Matthew Pressman
Courtney Dankworth and Russell Capone Jr.
***
Good evening, lovers! This week's installment of Altarcations is going to be somewhat brief, because I went to this kickass engagement party last night and I'm still hungover -- they were serving beverages named after the grandmother of the bride, which tells you all that you need to know.
So! The engagement party was beautiful and the couple darling, so as a wise literary figure once wrote, I believe in love! And so I have to admit: the story of Kelly Morgan and Timothy Maciejak made me super wistful.
The two "met on Nantucket in the summer of 1994 outside Aunt Leah's Fudge shop. Ms. Morgan was 12, and Mr. Maciejak was 13." He tossed over a piece of paper with his phone number on it and then ran away! She called him and they met at the fudge shop the next day! He was five inches shorter than her! I bet they stared at the ground and kicked SO MANY rocks that day. God, remember tweenage summers? It really never gets any better, or maybe it just never gets any worse.Here's a journalistic scandal worthy of Deadspin: winsome hockey broadcast reporter skates a little TOO close to her subject, falling in love with NHL defenseman Jay Leach while covering his team. What's next: Suzyn Waldman shacking up with A-Rod? (One can only hope, if only f
or the sake of Kate Hudson's career.) But New Jersey Devil Jay Leach wasn't even the best skater to get hitched this weekend, because the Ottawa Senator's Ryan Shannon also tied the knot and he has, like, better stats. Two puckhandlers in one day! Gary Bettman's PR office must be working overtime. While we're on the subject, I would like to note that Chris Higgins is about to replace David Wright as New York's hottest young athlete. I'm serious about this. You read it here first, folks!Speaking of winter recreation, I'm trying to figure out which Utah ski resort Anita Kawatra was visiting when she "fell head over heels" literally and figuratively (isn't it always?) for Keith Palzer. I'd assume Deer Valley, because its resort-y luxury would probably befit a man who is "the director of product development in the alternative investments hedge fund
group at the Merrill Lynch division of the Bank of America in Manhattan". (What's wrong with the catchall "he's in finance"?) On the other hand, I could see him trying to pump up his skier cred by going to Alta but then, like, staying at the Rustler. Fuckin' gaper. At any rate, you gotta admire Keith's persistence: he "finessed an invitation to her birthday party and a ski trip she had planned with friends" before inviting her on a romantic getaway and telling her he loved her on Day 2, and he also "squired her around New York in a wheelchair" and tended to her when she was on crutches for "nearly 2 years" (!) after she took a digger on the slopes. You can never go wrong with the damsel in distress storyline. Oh yeah and PS: David Dinkins officiated.Finally, trend alert: the Times historically seems to have a thing for people involved in the artistic orgasm that is Sesame Street. This weekend Elizabeth Nealon, the former creative director on the show (is that really a job, and how can I have it? And also, I hope she was responsible for this!) ma
rried "an author of science books for children, including 'Dolphins' and 'The Human Body'" who is 23 years her senior. Is that not the cutest thing you've ever heard? The dude's other books are absolutely killing me. Other selected titles: "Lightning", "Pets in a Jar" (!!!), "Icebergs and Glaciers" -- I honestly think I read that one; I went through a phase -- and, heh heh, "Uranus". When I have kids, I am shipping them off to that couple's house in lieu of summer camp. Related: speaking of the 'Street, the girl in the beginning of this segment is a dead ringer for Jessi from NYC Prep, amirite?Elsewhere this weekend, two art gallery types (Vassar and Bard, obvs) were married by "a minister of the National Spiritual Science Center"; a hot couple met at Harvard, "from which they both received MBA's"; the son of the SEC chief from 2002-2005 profited from your unemployment; we learn that Jonah Hill's "second father" was The Fonz and that The Fonz's actual offspring is a total freeloader; and someone descended, like so many testicles, from "Roger Williams, the founder of Rhode Island".
This week's head to head battle pits a literary wunderkind with some Obama wannabes (tounge twister!) Who will win?
Lauren D'Elia and Matthew Pressman
- Wedding took place at a "Beach and Tennis Club": +1
- The bridegroom "is an assistant editor at Vanity Fair, the Conde Nast magazine": +2
- The bride's father is "a founding partner" of a real estate law firm: +2
- The bridegroom's father is "a founding partner" of a Cambridge law firm: +2
- Oddly, the announcement makes sure to state that the bride "will be taking her husband's name": -1
- The pair met on a Dartmouth orientation hiking trip (they refer to each other as "trippees") and started dating a month into college: +3, and also: at Yale those people were called FOOTies and did weird things like get together on Saturday nights to play wink murder and eat GORP, and they were kind of weird, so actually I retract those points so: +0
- Both graduated magna cum laude: +4
- The wedding was on a Sunday, which is annoying: -1
Courtney Dankworth and Russell Capone Jr.
- "Both received law degrees cum laude from Harvard, where they met while serving in succession as managing editors of the Harvard Law Review": +10
Labels: Phyllis Nefler, Pitch it to Deadspin, Sesame Street, She Said Testicles, The Whites
